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Recently, I looked a client in the eye – his wife was seated alongside him – and asked: ‘Have you ever been unfaithful?’
Both in their 40s, they’d come to me ostensibly because their sex life had dwindled to nothing; the husband was claiming to have lost his once-healthy libido overnight, yet refused to discuss this with his doctor.
She, of course, felt rejected and hurt, blaming herself for gaining weight and focusing more on their children than him.
She thought therapy would help get to the root of why he’d gone off sex, so they could rekindle their passion for each other.
But the alarmed look on his face when I asked that question; the way he glanced, panic-stricken, between his wife and me, provided an answer she hadn’t even considered: that he was sleeping with someone else.
‘I thought you’d just stopped fancying me,’ she exclaimed.
The devastating truth was he had been having an affair with a colleague for the past six months and felt that having sex with both of them would feel like an even greater betrayal.
Having a fling with a mutual friend tends to leave men feeling far less guilty than you might expect
Relationships can and do survive infidelity. I see it all the time.
But to be able to fix the problems that cheating creates – or in part caused it to happen in the first place – you need to know exactly what you are dealing with.
Otherwise, you end up like my client, thinking your partner has gone off you when the truth is he’s moved on to someone else. Here are the six most common forms of cheating I encounter as a relationship counsellor. And the signs to look out for if you suspect your partner is being unfaithful to you.
Cheating with a colleague…
The workplace offers huge opportunities for cheating, not least because of the amount of time we spend there. Working together on shared goals, experiencing the same pressures and professional ambitions, creates strong personal bonds. No wonder relationship boundaries get blurred.
The husband who admitted cheating with his workmate said he felt she ‘got’ him in a way his wife didn’t.
If your partner develops ‘mentionitis’ about a particular colleague, perhaps saying things about her personal life that suggest their conversations have become more intimate than work-talk, that could be a red flag. Especially if he is working late or going on overnight trips more frequently than usual.
Behavioural psychologist Jo Hemmings says: ‘Relationships can and do survive infidelity. I see it all the time’
Meanwhile, if you notice that a difference between how good your partner looks on workdays compared to when he’s at home with you has become more pronounced, you should consider who exactly he’s trying to impress.
It’s tough on the injured party when a workplace affair is uncovered because, even if the affair ends, unless one of the cheaters quits, they’ll still see each other.
The couple I’m working with have set firm boundaries. So, no drinks after work. And instead of staying late to meet deadlines, he comes home at the usual time and works on his laptop. He’s also looking for a new job.
…Or with a friend
Having a fling with a mutual friend tends to leave men feeling far less guilty than you might expect. The fact they didn’t go looking for an affair – this person was already in their social orbit – somehow lessens their sense of betrayal. But if you’re the woman being cheated on, this double whammy of treachery is excruciatingly painful.
You might notice a change in the atmosphere when you’re all together – certain looks being exchanged, the odd brush of hands.
But the real giveaway here is likely to come more from your friend’s behaviour than your partner’s, who will pull back from you emotionally. (You’d have to be incredibly cold-hearted to carry on with shopping trips and bottomless brunches with the friend whose husband you’re now sleeping with.)
A relationship can survive this – but not a friendship. To stand any hope of a meaningful reconciliation, she’s got to go.
And, actually, being able to banish one of the two people who have hurt you from both your lives can help give back a sense of control.
Using dating apps to find an affair
Men who sign up on dating apps looking for an affair often tell themselves this has nothing to do with their relationship; that it’s a way of saving a marriage that is emotionally fulfilling but no longer sexually exciting. They are often convinced they won’t get caught.
And frequently, the fact they’re doing this in such a deliberate and calculated way means they don’t.
They do such a good job of separating the love they feel for their partner from the enjoyment they get from no-strings sex (they tend to be up front with their dates that they’re married and just want some fun) they don’t change towards you in any way that would raise suspicions.
But one risk factor they don’t seem to allow for is that one of their partner’s single friends might be on the same app, and will expose what they’re doing.
I’ve worked with several couples where this is how habitual cheating has come to light.
Then the penny drops, and the regular meals out he’s started going on with the dear old friend who’s come back into his life even though he never mentioned him before suddenly take on new meaning.
Cliched as this might sound, if you can get over the affair, then one way of healing the relationship can be to start going on dates again as a couple yourselves. This sort of cheating often stems from boredom in a relationship, and not a lack of love.
Having a one-night stand
Of all the cheating scenarios, this is the one men feel the least guilt over. It’s also the hardest to spot, because of the fact it’s a brief thing that’s over and done with by the time he gets home.
Awfully, one client found out only because her partner caught an STI and passed it on to her.
She tried to forgive him, which is why they came to therapy, but in the end she couldn’t get past the humiliation of that.
You’re more likely to pick up on a one-night stand if the woman he cheats with doesn’t get the memo that this isn’t going anywhere and starts pestering him for more.
Look out for him blanching when a particular number comes up on his phone, especially if he says he doesn’t need to answer it. If he sneaks off with it soon afterwards, it might be to check for and delete any voicemail evidence that gets left.
I’ve lost count of the times I’ve heard a client insist to his partner: ‘It didn’t mean anything, it was just sex,’ as though that will somehow reassure her of his love after a one-night stand.
The relationships that survive this tend to be the ones where he realises he needs to rebuild trust rather than try to play down the hurt he’s caused.
Betrayal with a long-term affair
This form of cheating is the hardest to spot, the most painful to discover and the toughest to forgive. The cheat can’t possibly claim it didn’t mean anything to them, because if it’s lasted months – I’ve known affairs that have gone on for years – then the emotional connection must be meaningful.
The signs it was happening might have been there right from the very beginning: him staying out late, being secretive, withdrawing from you emotionally. But you missed them.
Or maybe you did suspect, but you ignored your instincts, perhaps because you didn’t want to believe your partner would ever betray you. It’s also possible, of course, that deep down you knew, but you didn’t feel strong enough to deal with the maelstrom of emotions that comes in the fallout of an affair.
Over time, he will have relaxed into this double-life. It might be that his lover is also in a relationship with someone else, and is happy with the status quo, making it even easier to conceal.
Working with couples who decide to stay together despite such a devastating betrayal usually means me taking on a peacemaking role.
Some want to carry on together for the sake of their children, or because they don’t want families and friends to know.
Others feel financially bound to each other and simply can’t afford to split.
I find this scenario the most heartbreaking; everyone in the room knows, deep down, they would be happier apart. But they opt for what seems the next best thing: a peaceful, but ultimately unfulfilling existence together.
Does it count if it was decades ago?
Discovering your partner had a one-night stand, or even a full-blown fling many years ago often happens by chance.
You’re decluttering and stumble across a hotel receipt for a stay you don’t recognise. Or your partner recalls an overnight trip to one place when he was supposed to have been somewhere else, and when you challenge him he suddenly blurts out a confession.
But while time passing creates distance and can reduce the sting of historic cheating – especially if your relationship is in a good place when you make the discovery – it still hurts.
The burden of a past indiscretion can weigh heavy on a decent man and coming clean can come as a relief. But while some counsellors advocate full disclosure in this scenario, I don’t. If it happened a long time ago and would potentially impact a relationship that’s currently thriving, then I tell clients: ‘Keep it to yourself.’
Confessing to assuage your own guilt, if it’s going to unnecessarily hurt someone you love can be selfish. But if it does somehow come out, I encourage clients to use such a revelation to reflect on what stresses the relationship was under at the time that perhaps didn’t get addressed, then draw a line through it.
- AS TOLD to Rachel Halliwell.
- therelationshipcounsellor.co.uk
