If there’s one thing New York City women excel at more than anyone else, it’s transforming Sunday brunch into an art form.
Once a day reserved for church confessions, Sunday has become synonymous with that most sacred of meals. Never at home (always an upmarket café or bar), it is now customary to set aside two hours for bottomless drinks served alongside saucy revelations – oh, and a croissant or two, because it’s always wise to line the stomach.
Instead of seeking absolution from a priest – who, let’s face it, would require an Olympic-sized pool of holy water to wash away our sins – we prefer to toast with champagne these days.
And nothing cleanses the soul quite like a good catch-up with the girls.
And so, it was in a Manhattan bar last Sunday when I discovered we women have a problematic sex issue… and over a mimosa (okay, three mimosas) my friends and I decided it was about time we rectify this.
A friend was discussing her recent rendezvous with a man she had been crushing on for months – only to discover he was rubbish in the bedroom.
Yep, old mate was a dud root, as we Aussies like to say.
As she tried to justify breaking it off with him, I instead suggested she give him some pointers to steer him in the right direction. Think of it like a performance review.
A boozy brunch in the Big Apple inspired Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking’s latest Sealed Section column all about the sex complaints women are too afraid to tell their husbands and boyfriends
‘Oh, no, I couldn’t! You know how fragile men’s egos are!’ she said. Sadly, we all agreed.
Yes, in an era where honest conversations about intimacy are finally becoming less taboo, many women are still too shy to ask for what they really want in the bedroom.
And only a vanishingly small number are brave enough to give their men some gentle feedback from time to time.
So I put it out there on Instagram and asked women to share with me, anonymously, what sex complaints they are too wary to tell their husbands, boyfriends and FWBs.
The answers that filled my inbox were candid – and sometimes humorous – observations about what really turns them off in the bedroom.
Reading through them all, I quickly noticed a few recurring themes…
Going silent
Surprisingly, the most common complaint I received was about men being completely silent during sex.
To Jana’s surprise, she was flooded with DMs from women who don’t understand why the men in their lives go completely silent during sex (stock image posed by models)
Having finally broken my dry spell this week (hold your applause) with a man who was deliciously vocal, I have to say, I get it!
Kelly* told me her ex-husband refused to make a sound in the bedroom.
‘He always said, «I’m not a loud moaner,» which I respected, but it left me feeling like he wasn’t enjoying it. I mean, he did finish quickly sometimes so I knew I was doing something right, but I would have loved a good old «oh god, that feels amazing» every now and then.’
Silence can be confusing to women because it makes it nearly impossible to tell if your partner is having fun or just going through the motions. For many of us, a little vocal feedback goes a long way.
If you tell us what you like, and give us a little reassurance, we’ll give you a lot more in return. Trust me!
The foreplay fiasco
This was another hot topic. Men just going straight for penetration with no warm-up.
Camilla, one of my followers who recently moved here from Mexico, told me: ‘I’ve found Australian men don’t have a strong foreplay game.
‘I’m Latina, and before I moved here, our men (specifically Mexican) really knew what they were doing.’
The message is clear: good sex isn’t just about the main event. It’s about the build-up, the anticipation, the playful exploration that sets the stage for an unforgettable experience.
To conclude: don’t rush in just because you’re at full-mast.
The lazy lover
Ah yes, the boring old routine. Get home, have dinner, watch TV and then a quick bonk in bed before lights out.
Oh, so many women know it so well. It might be good enough for some blokes, but the routine and predictability can kill the spark.
Sally* vented in my DMs: ‘Lazy, same old, same old sex. Get it out of the bedroom and f**k me over the kitchen table, for god’s sake!’
I feel your pain, Sally. Mix it up a little, gents, and surprise us with a cheeky good time outside the bedroom once in a while. Changing location can really reignite the fire.
Jackhammering… just don’t
Let me put it bluntly, fellas, we hate jackhammering.
Now, for the uninitiated, jackhammering is pretty much what it sounds like: relentless, machine-like thrusting, usually when the woman is on top and the man is below.
‘Jackhammering’ is a common complaint from women (stock image posed by models)
Yes, it can be a fun (albeit eye-popping) experience in short bursts, but it can also be tiresome, uncomfortable and, when overdone, just plain boring.
Within minutes of putting a callout on social media, one woman slid straight into my DMs and raged: ‘Stop the jackhammer! Slow the f**k down, mate!’
Also, consider the case of Laura* and her boyfriend Mike*. In their early days together, Mike believed his aggressive, high-energy approach was a real crowd-pleaser and showed off his sexual stamina.
However, Laura soon found Mike’s athletic enthusiasm was really just his routine, mechanical approach to sex, and she soon grew tired of it.
You see, fellas, with jackhammering, we get that feeling of being ‘f***ed’ – which every lady needs from time to time – but there’s no tenderness. We never get that feeling that our bodies are in sync. We feel like bystanders rather than participants.
Laura’s plea to her boyfriend was simple: a gentler, more measured pace is so much better than a non-stop barrage.
And if we want some jackhammering, we’ll ask!
The movement dilemma
‘Sometimes we want you to just stay still while we’re on top… STOP moving.’
In many relationships, intimacy is about finding a mutual rhythm. Catherine* provided a telling example of a mistake so many men are making in bed.
Whenever she took charge in the cowgirl position, her lover’s habit of fidgeting, shifting and trying to thrust disrupted the moment. ‘It’s like he’s trying to get me to do three different positions in under five minutes,’ she said.
Instead of allowing Catherine to express herself and hit just the right spot, his constant motion broke the connection and made it almost impossible for her climax.
How did she fix the problem? A few stern words: ‘Don’t move… please!’
And, voilà, a few minutes of her man staying perfectly still while she worked her magic on top was all she needed for a spectacular finale.
See, lads? Sometimes the easiest way to show you care is by doing nothing at all! Just sit back and enjoy the show.
Yes, we know when you’re on Viagra
Here’s a spoiler for the men who like to take ‘performance enhancers’ in the bedroom: your little secret is written all over your face and lips.
Yes, we can usually tell when you‘re on Viagra because you get so flushed! Oh, and you always want to go for round two (or even three!) even though we’re exhausted.
Now this isn’t usually an issue for the gentlemen with actual ED. I’m talking to those younger guys who don’t really need it but fancy themselves as ‘sexual athletes’.
Here’s a spoiler for the men who take ‘performance enhancers’ in the bedroom: your little secret is written all over your (very flushed!) face and lips (stock image of Viagra pills)
Ask any woman out there – we’ve all encountered a man who wants to be ‘up all night’ and is ready to go again after a suspiciously short time frame. It’s tiring!
So when Shondra* slid into my DMs with a similar confession, I was relieved I wasn’t the only one to notice this trend.
She told me their intimacy had turned into a never-ending series of ‘rounds’ that felt less like shared passion and more like a competition.
Her boyfriend’s use of sex drugs was unmistakable, not just from his flushed face, but from the way he was able to keep going even after they’d both climaxed.
While his intentions were to please, his overzealous approach sometimes left her questioning whether it was about genuine connection or merely the influence of a pill.
Similarly, another woman told me: ‘If neither of you is going to get to the finish line, I wish the guy would just stop instead of going on and on and on.’
The takeaway? Sometimes less is more. Oh, and penises aren’t meant to be hard for hours at a time.
TikTok tricks gone wrong
Now don’t get me wrong, we love a man who does his research on how to get a woman off. Kings, all of you, but no… that trick you learned on TikTok doesn’t work.
Social media trends have a way of invading even the most personal spaces. We’ve all embarrassed ourselves trying to learn some ridiculous new dance for the ‘Tok.
But one of my followers, Nina*, recalled an evening with her boyfriend, who was eager to impress with a new ‘technique’ he’d seen by some former porn star online.
It was a tip on ‘going downtown’ on a woman. Rather than enhancing the experience, the overly choreographed move felt forced, out of place and didn’t match his flow.
In her words, he was like ‘a slobbering dog’, leaving Nina bewildered and, honestly, a bit amused by it all.
The incident served as a reminder that while experimentation can be fun, not every viral trend translates to real-life chemistry.
Authentic connection beats a scripted move any day of the week.
Beyond size: embracing authenticity
‘Stop obsessing over your size. We (mostly) don’t care.’
I feel like I harp on about this one a lot, so I was chuffed to have some reassurance in my DMs that I’m bang on the money.
Yes, in a world saturated with insecurities and unrealistic standards, many women appreciate partners who are more focused on emotional connection than on physical attributes.
Rachel’s* story is a case in point. Her boyfriend used to always be preoccupied with comparing himself to other men and obsessing over measurements.
Yet Rachel found that genuine affection, good humour and acts of kindness were far more important to her.
What she truly wanted was a partner who valued intimacy and pleasure over superficial benchmarks like, ‘Am I bigger than your ex?’
Eventually he got over it.
Look, lads, I know the size thing will always weigh on your mind. After all, it’s not a muscle you can work out at the gym to make bigger; you’re stuck with what you were born with (unless you want to fork out thousands for some awful plastic surgery).
So yes, my heart kind of breaks for you if you feel you don’t measure up. But take it from me, we honestly couldn’t care less.
The porn problem
‘Yes, we can tell when you watch too much porn.’
I’ll be honest with you – when a guy takes forever to climax, I always think to myself, ‘Oh, he definitely watched porn today, or masturbated, or both.’
It’s kind of annoying!
Sometimes a nice 10-minute roll in the hay is all we need, but when a guy has already blown his load, it can take a lot longer for him to finish. And, just like the jackhammer, it gets tedious and boring.
However, for my friend Emily* the intrusion of porn into her partner’s life began to set unrealistic expectations in the bedroom.
Sometimes he would try to copy scenarios that were better suited to the screen than a real-life relationship.
Emily noticed the spontaneity and natural rhythm of their intimacy were compromised by some ridiculous moves that only women in porn could make look pleasurable.
One day he even suggested light choking because ‘all women love it‘.
No, no, I think you will find that’s not true. Oh, men, you can be so naïve sometimes…
So what’s the solution?
1. Be vocal, tell us what you like, and reassure us with a simple ‘that feels amazing’
2. Slow it down, and focus on how our body reacts. Don’t simply plow away at us
3. Stop getting your sex tips from porn
4. Relax about the size of your old fella
5. Mix it up. Why not get a bit raunchy outside of the bedroom every now and then?
6. Stop thinking we want an eight-hour sex marathon. Sometimes a quicky is just as fun, as long as we both get off.
It’s really quite simple when you think about it!
