It’s early morning on the Biden family’s last Christmas in the White House and the Executive Wing is already bustling with activity.
Dr Jill awakens to find the President hard at work at his desk, still dressed in his red MAGA sleeping cap and Trump 2024 onesie.
‘Joey,’ she screeches. ‘You know I don’t allow crayons in the bedroom.’
‘I’m not drawing, sir,’ says the commander-in-chief. ‘I’m writing my final clemency list.
‘There are so many naughty people in Washington and in the prisons and it’s my job to pardon them all.’
‘You’re getting confused with Santa Claus, dear,’ scolds Jill.
Just then a despondent First Felon creeps into the room.
‘What’s the matter, kiddo?’ pleads Joe. ‘I thought your early Christmas pardon cheered you up?’
It’s early morning on the Biden family’s last Christmas in the White House and the Executive Wing is already bustling with activity.
Dr Jill awakens to find the President hard at work at his desk, still dressed in his red MAGA sleeping cap and Trump 2024 onesie. (Pictured: President Biden wears a Trump 2024 hat on the campaign trail in September 2024)
Apparently Hunter had looked into his Christmas stocking and found that the Chinese government left him a lump of coal.
‘Awww Pop, Christmas isn’t the same now that you’re a toothless lame duck,’ Hunter whines. ‘We used to vacation in Nantucket and Santa Barbara in the homes of billionaires, but now we’re worthless to them.
‘I will not spend Spring Break in Rehoboth,’ he shouts, stomping his foot on the floor.
‘You’re tellin’ me, pal,’ Biden says. ‘I texted my rich private equity buddy David Rubenstein and he replied, «New phone, who dis?»‘
But on this final Christmas of the Biden presidency, Joe has a plan. Surely, he assumes, if he commutes the sentences of thousands of convicted criminals – and preemptively pardons all his friends – then someone will feel compelled to do him a favor.
So Biden has canceled Christmas for the family in lieu of a pardon party and everyone’s going to be there.
‘Who’s on your list, dad?’ nudges Hunter.
‘Well, there’s Shifty Senator Adam Schiff, the Shutdown Doctor Tony Fauci, Uncle Jim and Bashar Al-Assad,’ reads Joe.
‘Dad, you can’t pardon Assad,’ Hunter squeaks.
‘Malarky,’ shouts the President. ‘Santa Claus is all powerful!’
Smoke begins pouring out of the fireplace and a bearded apparition emerges from the haze.
‘I’m the ghost of the future of the US justice system,’ the spirit howls.
‘Cut it out, Kevin,’ chides Hunter to his sugar daddy lawyer Kevin Morris. ‘And I told you: No bong smoking in the People’s House.’
With that the family shuffles over to the East Room to check on preparations for the party to find Press Secretary Karine Jean Pierre hanging a ‘Happy Birthday’ banner upside-down. But the president spots another woman in a maude pant suit teetering on a ladder and measuring the drapes.
‘Malarky,’ shouts the President. ‘Santa Claus is all powerful!’ Smoke begins pouring out the bedroom fireplace and a bearded apparition emerges from the haze.
‘Krazy Kamala, is that you?’ booms Joe. ‘After you blew through a billion dollars losing an election and destroying my legacy, I flushed your White House credentials down the toilet. How’d you get in here?’
‘Oh, hi Joe,’ cackles the flustered vice president. ‘I wanted to get a jump on my 2029 inauguration. My slogan is Make America Grape Again because I love wine. BUUUUUUURPP!’
Joe and Hunter exchange a knowing look. ‘Right and I’m going to be the head of the DEA,’ jokes Hunter.
‘Where’s Doug?’ asks Jill. ‘We had such a nice time at the State of the Union. I was hoping to steal another kiss.’
The second gentleman is at home studying up on the Hanukkah story (or scouring the internet for hot nannies). After botching the ancient tale in a social media post last year, Doug is determined to get it right, so he called Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib for some help.
‘It turns out the Maccabbes were committing genocide, not the Greeks,’ Kamala says. ‘Not everyone knows that.’
Fuming, Joe summons the only loyal Biden family member left, his German Shepard Commander: ‘Attack her, boy!’
Commander looks up from gnawing on the femur of a Secret Service agent, but even he isn’t interested in Kamala.
‘Where’s Doug?’ asks Jill. ‘We had such a nice time at the State of the Union. I was hoping to steal another kiss.’ (Pictured: Doug Emhoff and Jill Biden at the State of the Union on February 8, 2023)
‘Cut it out, Kevin,’ chides Hunter to his sugar daddy lawyer Kevin Morris. ‘And I told you no bong smoking in the People’s House.’ (Pictured: Kevin Morris outside his California home in July 2023)
Suddenly, there’s an anxiously tapping at the window.
Outside a waxy, botoxed ghoul pushes his filler-filled face against the glass.
‘Is that Caitlyn Jenner?!’ Dr Jill shrieks.
KJP recognizes the interloper: ‘It’s Matt Gaetz! He’s here for his preemptive pardon.’
‘Absolutely not,’ declares Joe. ‘I cannot condone rampant drug abuse and the solicitation of prostitution.’
Everyone turns and looks at Hunter.
‘Fine,’ concedes Joe. ‘But I’ll only allow a minor incursion into the White House.’
At that, Gaetz smashes through the window and claims the first four rows of chairs.
Hail to the Chief plays and everyone – including Biden – snaps to attention, as an outraged Barack Obama charges into the room.
‘Joey, I told you not to have any parties while I was away. What is going on here?’ he demands.
‘My apologies Your Highness,’ blubbers Biden, making a salute. ‘I thought now that everyone knows I was never really president, there’s no harm in having some fun. Wanna trash the place?’
All of the sudden, they hear someone anxiously tapping against the window. Outside a waxy, botoxed ghoul pushes his filler-filled face against the glass. (Pictured: Rep. Matt Gaetz)
Obama shakes his head and walks out. He’s spending Christmas alone this year. Michelle and the girls are on David Geffen’s yacht.
Hunter, Jill, Kamala and KJP gather around Joe for a group hug to take in the moment before all the trappings of power are taken away for good.
Hunter manages a smile and says, ‘Merry Christmas, Dad.’
Joe looks at him without blinking for what feels like an eternity and replies, ‘What’s Christmas?’
With that, they all laugh like idiots in a very special last Biden family Christmas.
