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Could you spot a cheater at first glance? Do they tend to give off cocky, self-centred vibes – or can they hide in plain in sight? Either way, as singer Lily Allen has shown with her scathing revenge album about her ex-husband David Harbour’s infidelity, betrayal cuts deep. But can you really judge a book by its cover?
Here, six men admit to which camp they belong: Traitor or Faithful. Can you tell which is which?
TRAITOR
TRAITOR: Researcher Dave Binder, 55, is single and lives in Manchester
‘I left my girlfriend then was dumped by my mistress’
Researcher Dave Binder, 55, is single and lives in Manchester.
The first time I cheated on my girlfriend Caroline, the guilt was intense. For the following 48 hours all I could think was that I needed to tell her but, not wanting to hurt her, I kept quiet.
The following week, however, I cheated again with the same woman and, curiously, I didn’t feel as guilty. In fact, the affair went on for six weeks and the guilt lessened each time – to such an extent that towards the end I didn’t feel an iota of remorse
I’m sure many will be outraged reading about this, but it’s how you become a cheater; the more you do it, the more insulated you are from guilt.
In fact, in my case, I got away with it. When I ended our relationship, Caroline was devastated but she never found out I’d been unfaithful.
That’s not to say there haven’t been repercussions.
For a long time I thought Sarah, the woman I’d been having an affair with, might be ‘the one’. Eventually, she dumped me, and the grief was the worst I’d experienced in my life.
This was nearly 30 years ago – I was 27, had bought my first flat and hoped I was on the path to settling down and having children. But today I remain single; my longest relationship, in my 40s, having lasted only two years.
Caroline and I had seemed a good match because we had the same friendship circle and were both warm, friendly souls, but our sex life wasn’t great. Four months in, I cheated with Sarah, who I’d met through friends. We were at her house when she made a pass at me and I confess I didn’t give a single thought to Caroline.
Sarah and I continued seeing each other for six weeks – meeting up once a week. She knew about Caroline and was just having fun – while I was steadily falling for her.
When I recognised I needed to focus on one woman, I dumped Caroline for Sarah. We continued seeing each other for six months but then I realised she was looking for a guy to pay for everything. When it became clear I wasn’t that man, she ditched me. It was my turn to be devastated.
Looking back, I can see that I used sex as a substitute for love. If someone wanted me physically then that meant they loved me. The more physical affection I got the more worthwhile I felt.
It’s a mistake I’ve made throughout my adult life. I’ve had a series of quite short relationships.
I have spent the past four years doing self-development courses to try to understand myself and why my relationships don’t last. Not that I beat myself up about the past; I live by the mantra ‘when I know better, I do better’. I wouldn’t cheat again.
FAITHFUL
FAITHFUL: Construction worker Aldo Zyka, 40, lives with wife Bridget, 43, who works in IT, and their two sons Mateo, four, and Conor, two, in Hertfordshire
‘I don’t cheat – for the sake of our children’
Construction worker Aldo Zyka, 40, lives with wife Bridget, 43, who works in IT, and their two sons Mateo, four, and Conor, two, in Hertfordshire.
Five years ago, I was out with friends at a club, when a woman I’d been chatting to invited me back to hers. My wife was pregnant and we weren’t having a lot of sex so I can’t pretend I wasn’t tempted. No one would have known, but I politely said no thanks. I don’t approve of infidelity but it’s so easily done; you have a row with your wife, go for a drink and see a beautiful woman and get talking to her. I’ve been tempted a number of times, but ultimately I haven’t gone there.
What stops me? Sorry to say, my first thought isn’t my wife of eight years, but my children. As a father, I’d never let them down.
My parents were married for over 49 years; Mum was a judge and Dad was an accountant. They had three sons and I was raised to be respectful of women. Even though Mum was the only female, our home was ruled with matriarchal values. We all did the housework.
Luckily, I still fancy my wife as much as the day we met – and that says a lot as we were so attracted to each other we slept together on the first night we set eyes on each other.
Despite the strength of our connection, Bridget, who’s nearly four years older than me, is jealous and insecure at times. At the start of our relationship, she went through my phone, deleting all of my exes from my address book.
To this day she has full access to my phone (I don’t have access to hers – I trust her implicitly). One time she saw a WhatsApp conversation with a friend’s wife and got the wrong end of the stick.
The messages were very light-hearted and, because we knew one another already, borderline flirty, telling me how amazing I was and how lucky Bridget was to have me. I told Bridget to call her for confirmation (she did). Of course I was in the clear but she still fired ominous warning shots about custody and access to our children if I ever did stray.
Deep down, though, I think Bridget does believe I’m a faithful type. We’re clear about our future together and are looking forward to grandchildren one day. I’m proud of my happy – faithful – marriage.
TRAITOR
TRAITOR: Audio visual technician Ben Kusi, 46, is single and lives in Dulwich, south-east London
‘I cheated on love of my life – ten years on I still regret it’
Audio visual technician Ben Kusi, 46, is single and lives in Dulwich, south-east London.
One silly drunken mistake ended the most important relationship of my life.
Charlotte and I had been together for seven years, we lived together and were compatible in so many ways. I’d met her at work and we enjoyed the same music, had close families and my Irish mum loved her too. Everyone called us two peas in a pod.
I genuinely thought Charlotte was the one.
Then one night I went out with friends for a drink after work, after completing a major project. In the bar, a girl approached me and said ‘Ben!’ We’d grown up two streets away from each other and I recognised her straight away.
In my defence, I was pretty drunk and when she invited me back to hers I went.
We had sex but was it the performance of my life? I truly can’t remember. It was a very stupid one-off thing to do.
Afterwards I felt like I’d really let myself down. I must have been so drunk that I gave her my number. She messaged me the following evening, thanking me for an amazing night, and Charlotte read it.
At first I tried to dismiss it as nothing, but I’m rubbish at lying and it all came out. Charlotte went straight to bed, telling me we were finished.
The next morning, she gave me another chance. Things were never the same between us and she left me for someone else a year later.
Ten years on, I’m still kicking myself. I wish I hadn’t cheated. I’ve had a few relationships since then but no one else has come close to Charlotte.
FAITHFUL
FAITHFUL: Singer and author Jean-Paul Noel-Cephise, 54, has two adult sons and lives in Croydon
‘Women assume I’m a player’
Singer and author Jean-Paul Noel-Cephise, 54, has two adult sons and lives in Croydon.
I’m confident enough to admit I don’t look my age and am easy on the eye. Add in the fact I’m intelligent and women seem to think that makes me too good to be true. They automatically assume I must be a player – when nothing could be further from the truth.
Unfortunately for good-looking chaps like me, women think you must have girls dripping off you. They often say, ‘Why are you still single?’ with an air of suspicion.
I’ve learned to dress down on a first date; otherwise women don’t relax. One woman was constantly on guard throughout our dinner date, checking out other women eyeing me up. It didn’t occur to her that it was her I fancied; I wasn’t looking at anyone else.
Things fizzled out after six months. I got sick of the endless calls checking up on me. I was as faithful as a dog, yet still she couldn’t trust me.
Women initially see me as the ‘whole package’ and like being with me for the ego boost – I’m male arm candy, I suppose. But when you are as self-assured as I am, being in a relationship with me is like looking in a mirror – if you’re insecure, that’s going to reflect back at you.
The truth is, however, I don’t feel the need to cheat because I am open about what I want and what I’ve got to give. I do want to add value to someone’s life but, at the same time, there is no point in hanging around if they’re not compatible with me.
My longest relationship was with my ex-wife and mother of my two sons. Having married in my mid 20s, we split after 16 years when it was clear we wanted different things out of life. There certainly weren’t any others involved. Infidelity isn’t something I would have put my wife or sons through.
Since then I’ve had two serious relationships but have been single for three years. I’d love a serious relationship now but no one will give me a chance.
I do get offers but I need a confident woman who fully trusts me. And it seems they are in short supply.
TRAITOR
TRAITOR: Gym instructor Richard Aldred, 55, is engaged and lives in Rochester, Kent
‘Men like me cheat if sex is lacking’
Gym instructor Richard Aldred, 55, is engaged and lives in Rochester, Kent.
Sorry ladies, but the only reason men fall prey to temptation is when sex with our partner has become routine and mundane.
I should know because I have cheated for this very reason. I’m not a testosterone-fuelled, bed-hopping Adonis. But I’m still human and open to temptation.
That’s what happened four months into a relationship when I succumbed to the advances of another woman.
With hindsight sex had become a bit humdrum, a Friday night routine for us. There were no thrills, kinks or surprises.
I had my own place and was looking to temporarily rent out a room. A woman called Laura came to view it and made it clear she was more interested in me than the flat.
I cut short the viewing, explaining I was on my way out to see my girlfriend. But later on she texted: ‘If you hadn’t had to go and see your girlfriend I would have undressed and got physical with you!’
She then sent me another message asking me to let her know whenever I was free. Yet another text arrived emphasising she was ‘footloose and fancy-free’ and didn’t have anyone else on the scene.
As the messages pinged away, my girlfriend Ruth didn’t suspect a thing. I just explained them as potential viewings for the spare room.
The following evening, however, I invited Laura over to mine. Blonde, beautiful and petite with beguiling blue eyes, I found her immensely sexy. We went to bed together and it was mind-blowing. It was the most fun I’d had in a long time.
The guilt kicked in 12 hours later. But the devil on my shoulder warned me to keep quiet.
After a fortnight of the best sex I’ve ever had, I confessed. Ruth called me every name under the sun. For some unfathomable reason, though, she agreed to give us another chance and I stopped seeing Laura. But the damage had been done.
Five months later, Ruth turned the tables on me; she was seeing a work colleague of mine behind my back.
Was cheating worth it? Let’s put it this way: I’ve never been unfaithful since.
Now I put that one blip down to immaturity.
For the past two years, I’ve been in a faithful relationship and we are engaged. We communicate with one another much more than I have previously. I won’t slip up again.
FAITHFUL
FAITHFUL: Conrad Ashton, 29, a musician and personal trainer, is single and lives in Spennymoor, Co Durham
‘Cheating ex cast a shadow over us’
Conrad Ashton, 29, a musician and personal trainer, is single and lives in Spennymoor, Co Durham.
Whenever I meet someone new, the first thing I ask is, ‘Have you ever been cheated on?’ I need to know what kind of emotional landscape I am dealing with as I’ve had my fingers burnt before.
I had an ex who had been a victim of infidelity and, even though I have never betrayed a partner, she tarred me with the same brush.
Katie and I lived together for 18 months before we split up.
As suspicious as she was of me, I actually think she was the one cheating on me – with her ex, who she would continually mention.
We met in the gym. I’m 6ft and she is tall too with a fantastic body. There was great chemistry. Katie invited me to move in with her after a couple of months of dating. Yet six months later, she admitted her ex had let himself into the house while we were out to drop off some of her stuff.
I’m not a jealous type, but the fact that he still had a key just wasn’t on.
When I asked her about it, Katie got very defensive. I didn’t push it because she had told me he had cheated on her and I knew it still upset her.
She had discovered his infidelity when he’d accidentally sent a text to her that was clearly meant for another woman.
While I will never know for sure whether they had sex while we were together, I do know his infidelity cast a shadow over our relationship.
She was constantly trying to catch me out, going into detective mode about my female clients and interrogating me if she saw me talking to a woman. I grew sick of the accusations and ended our relationship.
I have never even come close to cheating on a partner. My hope is to marry and have children. Call me old-fashioned but marriage means never being with another woman again.
Some names have been changed
