Sex therapists say roughly one third of couples who seek therapy over differing sex drives involve the woman wanting more sex than the man.
The assumption that all men are constantly wanting sex with their partner simply isn’t true – and it’s one reason why women feel so ashamed to admit it when their husband rejects sex with them.
‘I’d tell my friends if he was having an affair. But I’m certainly not going to tell them my husband hasn’t touched me sexually for years,’ one woman told me.
Many women assume the worst when sex stops: their partner doesn’t love them or is having sex with someone else.
But extra marital sex is rarely the reason when a man loses sexual desire for his partner.
It’s far more likely to be that…
The assumption that all men are constantly wanting sex with their partner simply isn’t true – and it’s one reason why women feel so ashamed to admit it when their husband rejects sex with them. Stock image used
HE’S HAVING ERECTION DIFFICULTIES
If a woman confesses to me that her male partner is suddenly avoiding sex and won’t talk about it, my first question is ‘How old is he?’.
If he’s over 40, I suspect erection difficulties have something to do with it. If he’s over 50, I guarantee that’s the case.
Men expect to lose their hair and develop a beer belly. But no-one talks about what happens to his penis when it ages. Wonderous and impressive as they are, an erection is simply a penis that’s full of blood. If he’s having erection problems, issues with blood flow are often to blame. Unfortunately for men, there’s rather a lot of things that can affect it. Diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, being overweight, low testosterone levels (ageing), unhealthy lifestyle (drinking, smoking, eating junk), stress and anxiety. Most men aren’t aware of this.
The first time he doesn’t get an erection on cue is a sobering experience, even if he’s not sober. If it happens more than once, it often rates as one of the worst moments of his life.
Humiliated. Depressed. Emasculated. They’re just a few of the words men use to describe the feeling of not being able to ‘get it up’.
Many men would rather not have sex at all, than deal with a penis that ‘doesn’t work’. Sex to most men means putting their penis in something. It’s extremely difficult to convince a man that oral sex, hand-jobs, kissing, touching and using a sex toy also counts as sex. You can do a lot without an erection, but most men don’t believe it – and aren’t interested in exploring the concept.
Erection problems aren’t the same as low desire but if he experiences one, sooner or later he’s likely to feel the other as well.
UK-based sex expert Tracey Cox (pictured) shares the top five reasons your partner might not be having sex with you anymore
HE DOESN’T FEEL ATTRACTIVE ANYMORE
There’s constant discussion on female body image and how it impacts their desire for sex. But men also grapple with feelings of attractiveness and the same thing happens to them.
Putting on weight, losing muscle and (as already mentioned) their hair. Even if people are still fond of saying (please stop) that men with grey hair and wrinkles look ‘distinguished’ while women with both just look old, men aren’t immune to feeling depressed when their appearance changes.
This is especially true if his partner is much younger or seems to be faring better than he is. It’s one thing revealing a podgy belly while trying to seduce a wife who also has one. Quite another, if she’s still sporting a six-pack and (you swear) looks a little disgusted to see it.
HE HAS A NATURALLY LOW SEX DRIVE
This might come as a complete surprise because, often, the first hint of a low libido appears around two years into a relationship. This is because almost everyone gets an artificial boost of desire at the start.
The second most common time for it to happen is when children arrive and sex naturally declines. Low desire people can maintain a healthy sex drive if they are having sex regularly. But if sex stops and his motivation to seek it out isn’t strong, his libido will drop to its natural resting place which might be much lower than their partner expected.
Is he secretly gay? Is he having an affair? Am I too fat/too old/not sexy enough? Very few women think it’s because their partner simply has a naturally low sex drive. While we talk a lot about women losing desire, we rarely talk about men losing interest long-term. Let alone not having had much enthusiasm for it in the first place.
The truth is men don’t inherently have a higher sex drive than women: it’s a stereotype. The reality is more nuanced. Desire is a complex interplay of biological, psychological, and social factors that vary widely between individuals, regardless of gender.
Our ‘resting libido’ is also at least partly genetically based. If your partner’s Dad had a rampant sex drive, chances are he does. If that led to Dad having affairs, however, it can have the opposite effect…
HE THINKS HE’S BEING KIND FOR NOT WANTING IT
Not all men grow up in a household where men are encouraged to ‘be a man’ and seek out sex whenever they can because it’s ‘what men do’.
If your partner’s childhood was marred by a father who had affairs – leaving the impression that wanting sex gets you in trouble or that our sex drive is uncontrollable – he may well subconsciously decide not to let that happen to him. Wanting sex is dangerous, maybe even disgusting.
This can also happen to men if their mother has been treated badly by men. The message she sends (deliberately or unconsciously) is that men’s sex drives are harmful to women. Her son then works hard to dampen his and feels shame if he doesn’t succeed. Normal things that nearly all adolescents enjoy, like masturbation and fantasising, become negative experiences.
Having become the man he wanted to be – one who isn’t sexually aggressive or predatory – he thinks he’s being kind by not wanting to have sex with you.
HE’S STRESSED OR DEPRESSED
One study found one in five men say their libido is low because they’re too stressed from work. Then they kill what little desire is left by doing what lots of people do when stressed: self-medicate with alcohol. Excessive drinking affects the production of testosterone, the primary hormone responsible for our sex drive. Not surprisingly, the kick-on effect for all this is often depression. So, he pops off to the doctor, who hands out anti-depressants and maybe some blood pressure pills, effectively wiping out any cravings that might have still be hopefully hanging around. An ever-growing list of medications dampen the most enthusiastic libido.
Check out Tracey’s two product ranges – Supersex and Edge – if you want a quick, instant way to make mundane sex feel more exciting. You’ll find them at lovehoney.co.uk (or the lovehoney website in your country).
