Dear Jane,
I’m part of a very tight-knit group of girls. We’ve been friends since school and all moved back to our hometown after university.
We hang out several times a week for dinners, drinks or movie nights and there’s a group chat where we share our daily updates.
But recently, it’s all changed – ever since I made things official with the guy I’ve been dating for a few months.
True, I’ve missed a few hang-outs to spend time with my boyfriend, but I definitely don’t feel like I’m neglecting them.
Yet now, whenever I see the others, things feel off.
They seem to have developed inside jokes that go over my head but leave them in fits of giggles. I’m also pretty sure they’re hanging out without inviting me and then deliberately hiding any evidence from their social media.
The other day, one of the girls put up a picture of everyone at a dinner, but when I went back to look five minutes later, it had been deleted!
I fear my female friends secretly HATE me because of these subtle things they all do
It feels like my old friends hate me, that they are trying to edge me out and I don’t know why.
Are they jealous of my new boyfriend? After all, this is the first time any of us have had a serious partner.
But I do really miss spending time with them – and I don’t know how to fix this because we haven’t even had a fight.
From,
Forgotten Friend
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Forgotten Friend,
What you are discovering is the inevitability of friendships changing as you navigate your way through the excitement of a new and serious relationship.
There is nothing quite so wonderful as a girl group of friends, particularly when you’ve known each other for so long.
A close group of friends can feel like a substitute family. They are there to celebrate your highs, and to support and comfort you through the lows.
It’s easy when everyone is single to become enormously reliant on each other. But things always change as people start to find partners.
You have missed some hang-outs, and they might feel a little abandoned by you, just as you feel a little abandoned by them.
I honestly don’t believe they ‘hate you’ or are deliberately trying to edge you out. But I do think communicating your feelings is vital to keeping this friendship going.
Sit down with them and tell them how important they are to you. Express your hurt at not being invited to some activities. Tell them that, even though you’ll have to let them down occasionally to spend time with your boyfriend, in no way does it diminish your commitment to the group.
Then, you have to detach from the result. Hopefully, they will appreciate you being honest and things will return to normal. But there’s a chance they may feel that you have chosen your boyfriend over their friendship.
We have no control over what people think and how they treat us. Talking to them honestly and vulnerably can be very frightening, but it’s the only way to get your needs met. And if they can’t meet your needs, if they decide to continue to ostracize you, you have to let them go.
Dear Jane,
My mother and father got divorced a few months ago and she has just moved from Florida to New York City, where I live, to get some distance from my dad.
I hadn’t seen her for almost a year because we were both busy, so I was shocked when she showed up to my apartment with a completely different face.
She must have had $100,000 of (bad) plastic surgery.
Worse, she’s acting 20 years younger than her age, wearing short skirts and dresses and tagging along with me and my friends to trendy bars (where she is the oldest in the room).
She’s also going on dates with much younger men she’s met on apps.
But the straw that broke the camel’s back was when I introduced her to the boy I’ve been dating for the past few months. To my absolute horror, she was all over him at dinner – so flirty and giggly. It made me feel nauseous.
Then, when she and I were alone, she had the audacity to tell me that my boyfriend was too good for me and would be better suited to her!
I understand that she’s going through a big transition from married to single life, but her behavior is getting out of hand.
From,
Mortified by mom
Dear Mortified by mom,
I feel for you!
As a newly-single woman myself (albeit one who hasn’t recreated her face via plastic surgery), I fully understand how freeing it is to feel alive again after getting out of a long relationship, especially at this age.
Wearing skimpy clothing as an older woman – mutton dressed as lamb, as they say – is not to everyone’s taste. But whilst you may hate her sartorial choices, I don’t think you should be telling your mother what to wear.
It might make it easier for you to accept her recent behavior if you believe that this is only a phase, as it often is with women who’ve just come out of a marriage.
It’s not uncommon for people to go a little wild and to behave recklessly when they find themselves single for the first time in years.
It’s also not uncommon for women to want to experiment, whether that’s through dressing more freely, or finding younger men on dating apps.
All of it may feel hugely exciting and perhaps validating for her right now, but most women settle back into normalcy after they’ve got the experimentation out of their system.
That said, none of this excuses her inappropriate behavior with your new boyfriend.
That is something that must be addressed – as should her comments about him being ‘too good for you.’ What an appalling thing to say!
A boundary needs to be set: if she behaves in that way again, she will not be invited to spend time with you – or your boyfriend.
If she denies that she flirted with him, stick to your guns.
She may give you the cold shoulder for a while. After all, it can be difficult to hear hard truths from your children. But stay true to your word and keep calm, and she will either have to listen, or lose the opportunity to be a part of your life.
