Dear Jane,
My husband and I have been married for two years and, until recently, our relationship has been great.
When we got married, we created a joint bank account that we use for everything. I put all my earnings in there each month and I thought my husband did too.
However, the other day I got home from work early and poked my head into his work-from-home office to say hello. My husband was not at his desk but his laptop was wide open and the web browser was displaying a bank account balance. Except, the website wasn’t for the account we share…
I could hear my husband upstairs in the shower, so I decided this was my only chance to scope out the bank account. I started scrolling through the transactions and what I saw appalled me.
Monthly, he was depositing hundreds into this account… and he was spending it all on OnlyFans!
He opened the account around six months ago, which makes sense because it was around that time that we stopped having regular sex. I blamed the dreary winter weather for hurting our sex life, but now I’m realizing it’s probably because he’s addicted to paid-for adult content.
I feel so betrayed.
Dear Jane: I just discovered my husband’s secret bank account… And what he’s been spending money on is disgusting.
For one, I put all of my money into our joint account, so I find it deeply insulting that he’s been pretending to do the same while keeping some back for himself in secret.
Secondly, I hate that he’s watching this stuff and that it’s had such a negative effect on our intimacy.
He’s been lying to my face for six months and I can’t decide what to do next. Should I even give him the chance to explain, or should I leave him immediately?
From,
Poor Me
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Poor Me,
I can only imagine how upsetting this double betrayal has been, first with the secret bank account and then with what seems to be a secret addiction.
Anyone who has ever dealt with addiction will tell you that it comes with lies, secrecy and shame.
Such shame can only survive in darkness. For your husband, it survives in a hidden bank account and secret subscriptions.
Healing from addiction means alleviating the shame, and that usually requires the help of experts.
Approach him gently and tell him that if he wants to save your marriage he needs to seek help. There are rehab facilities and 12-step programs that can guide your husband to recovery and break his cycle of addiction.
If you confront him aggressively, he will probably become defensive, claim to be a victim and say anything to feel better about something I’m sure he feels terrible about.
But he does need to know that you have discovered his bank account and what he’s been purchasing, and he needs to understand that your marriage is at stake here.
Remember: you cannot change him, he needs to want to change himself.
