Dear Jane,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years and we’ve just moved in together.
Before we got our own place, everything was perfect.
But now, something weird is happening and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting.
I previously lived with two of my girlfriends from college. My boyfriend lived with his childhood best friend, who has since moved into his own studio apartment.
I never really got to know this friend because my boyfriend always insisted on coming over to my place. I thought nothing of this at the time but now I find it suspicious.
You see, since we moved in together, my boyfriend has been having ‘sleepovers’ at at his friend’s place, least once a week.
I’m assuming they sleep in the same bed.
Dear Jane: My boyfriend does something weird with his male best friend and I find it suspicious.
The whole thing is bizarre and I find the situation a little alarming.
I’ve asked my boyfriend why he has these constant sleepovers and he explained that the two of them just hang out and play video games.
But I find it strange that he has never made an effort to connect me with his friend. If anything, he tries to keep us separate — even now.
I know that this might sound like I’m jumping to conclusions but I have a feeling there is something romantic going on between them.
My boyfriend and I are sexually active and I know he loves me, so I’m sure that he’s not gay — but maybe he’s bisexual.
Something about the situation seems really ‘off’ and I can’t put my finger on it. What should I do?
From,
Sleepover Scaries
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Sleepover Scaries
The biggest issue that needs to be addressed is why you haven’t met your boyfriend’s childhood best friend despite having dated him for two years.
Usually when a couple has been together for that long, they have integrated each other’s friends into the life that they now share.
So, I do think you’re right to think that something is off. However, I’m just not sure that your conclusion is the right one.
Until you talk to your boyfriend about this, you’re never going to know the truth.
As human beings, our natural instinct is to give into confirmation bias. This means we look for evidence to support what we believe, whether or not that belief is true.
Perhaps, because of the ongoing sleepovers and the fact that you haven’t met the best friend you have put two and two together and come up with five. I say this because I don’t see clear evidence that there is something romantic going on between them.
As for sleeping over in a studio apartment, as the mother of three strapping boys, I can tell you that when their friends sleep over, which happens quite often when they are home, they are perfectly happy sleeping on whatever sofa they can find. No pillows, sheets or duvets are needed when they decide to crash at a friends.
I do think you have to address the feeling that your boyfriend is keeping the two of you apart. That’s really the primary concern.
I’m worried that if you bombard him with your fears about his sexuality, he might shut down and you’ll never get the full story.
Rather, explain to him that you want to get to know his friend better and suggest organizing a dinner with the three of you.
If he declines, you can then start to question him as to why.
There may be a far more innocent explanation: his friend could be socially awkward, or argumentative, or difficult. Maybe your boyfriend thinks the two of you will hate each other. Either way, he does have to explain why you’ve barely met.
If he is unwilling to explain and continues to keep you apart, I would see this as a red flag that can’t be ignored.
Secrets of any kind destroy the foundation of a relationship. I hope the two of you can find your way to an open discussion that will put your fears at ease.
Dear Jane,
My husband and I have been married for almost three years and together for five.
Two and a half years ago, I had a brief affair, which my husband knows about. He forgave me at the time — but he now keeps making little comments that have got me worried.
The other night, I was feeding our one-year-old son dinner and my husband said, ‘if he has any of me in him, he will love that pasta.’
After I asked what that was supposed to mean, my husband blurted out that, sometimes, he doesn’t think our son is his because he has lighter hair than he did as a child and because it is curly. He even suggested that taking a DNA test would put his mind at ease.
I am profoundly hurt that he would think this. I have been nothing but faithful and committed after my affair, and our son is, without a doubt, his child. Do I have a right to be upset?
Sincerely,
Papa Don’t Preach
Dear Papa Don’t Preach,
Putting aside your own upset at your husband’s stinging remarks, the fact that your affair was brief, that your husband knows about it, and that he has forgiven you does not erase the pain of the betrayal.
I imagine this is why he is making comments like this.
I understand that you feel hurt, but I can tell from your husband’s comments that he is hurting too, even years later.
You may feel that your affair happened a long time ago and should be water under the bridge by now but, unfortunately, that isn’t always the way things works.
Trust takes a very long time to rebuild, and in many cases it never comes back entirely.
I commend both of you for staying married, particularly because you share a child. Clearly there is a goodness in your relationship that is keeping you together.
However, it seems that the two of you have not done enough work in repairing the damage.
What is called for here is a proper understanding of the reasons that led you to seek comfort with another man.
The two of you need to go and see a relationship counsellor. And not because your marriage is in danger, but because your husband’s passive aggressive comments indicate that he is not completely over your past infidelities.
