Dear Jane,
My daughter has two young children, aged three and five, and I’m becoming concerned about how she treats them.
You see, my husband and I were very strict with our kids. We didn’t put up with nonsense; if one of our kids misbehaved, they were punished immediately.
Usually, the punishment was grounding, but sometimes we would confiscate their toys, and in extreme circumstances, we would spank them.
My kids all turned out well-behaved because we laid down the law from an early age.
Now, my daughter is raising her own children in a completely different fashion, and I think she might be setting them up for failure.
Ever since the kids could talk, my daughter has been giving them exactly what they want. If they want chocolate for breakfast, they get it! Or if they refuse to leave the toy store without a new doll, then they will get the doll.
My daughter and her husband leave social events early because the kids throw tantrums, and they can rarely go to shows, concerts, or movies because their children scream the house down and cause a scene.
Dear Jane: My daughter is making a huge parenting mistake with my grandkids… Can I step in?
The real problem here is that my daughter expects me to help out with her kids, as I do with my other grandchildren, despite their horrific behavior… and I simply do not want to.
My other kids raised their children far better, and their youngsters are usually a pleasure to babysit. But when I take care of my daughter’s nightmare children, they drive me insane. They don’t eat what I feed them, or go to sleep at bedtime, or do anything I tell them to do.
I don’t know what to do here.
My daughter is entitled to raise her kids however she wants to, but I think she’s doing an awful job and will likely raise a pair of spoiled brats. Should I tell her she’s making a huge mistake, or shall I say I can’t watch her kids anymore and mind my own business?
From,
Brat attack
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Brat attack,
I understand how easy it is to judge other people’s parenting.
Most of us have had to endure kids running around screaming in restaurants and ruining everyone’s peace while their parents sit happily ignoring them.
I remember so clearly watching and judging the way other parents raised their children — especially when those parents treated their kids the same way that your daughter treats hers.
But, to be honest, those kids have turned out just fine.
My own children have also turned out beautifully, and they bear the marks of a rigid, structured upbringing where they were not allowed to express dissent.
But there is no right or wrong way to parent (although I do agree that children always feel safer with boundaries). If you continue convincing yourself that your daughter is doing everything wrong, you’ll likely end up with no relationship with your grandchildren and you may push your daughter away as well.
Instead of resenting or judging them for not behaving in the way you would like them to, why not try meeting them where they are?
Focus on what you do enjoy about them.
When you babysit, try to figure out what keeps them calm and happy. Perhaps there is a craft that they love doing, or perhaps they’d like to cook with you.
Spending proper time with them, being present and following their lead rather than insisting they bend to yours, will make your time with them more pleasurable.
If they don’t eat what you feed them, ask them what they would like to eat and make it for them. If they won’t go to sleep at bedtime, perhaps sit with them and read them stories. There are a myriad of ways you can engage these children and draw the best out of them. What most children want is presence; an adult who loves them and is giving them their undivided attention.
And lastly, rather than focus on what your daughter is doing wrong, I urge you to focus on what she is doing right.
Dear Jane,
My husband and I have three children and our oldest son is severely disabled.
I had all three kids when I was still in my twenties and it was very overwhelming. My husband and I had a hard time coping with looking after the children and giving my disabled son the attention he required.
My mother-in-law begged me and my husband to move across the country so we could be closer to her. She insisted she would help with the kids and said there would be better services for my disabled son in her neighborhood.
We agreed and, from the moment we moved, it was a nightmare.
We moved away from our entire support system and everything we knew and my mother-in-law turned out to be evil.
We’ve lived here in her town for two years and she’s made my life hell.
For example, I didn’t have room in our house for an antique table my grandma had given me, so I let my mother-in-law use it. She painted it — which totally ruined it — and then she threw it away.
She is also not as helpful as she promised to be with my oldest son. My son has accidentally broken my nose multiple times because he’s very impaired, and when I told my mother-in-law I would need extra help because I needed surgery to be able to breathe through my nose again she simply said, ‘Sounds like you need to learn to breathe through your mouth.’
The snarky comments and constant judgment from my mother-in-law have made me feel like an awful parent. She subtly suggests my son’s disability could be my fault because I was ‘so stressed’ when I was pregnant with him because I was still finishing up my university degree.
The worst part is, my mother-in-law is the nicest woman to everyone else she knows, but she is so cruel to me. Even my husband doesn’t see how horrible she is — he tells me I’m overreacting or being too sensitive whenever I bring her up.
How can I make people see how awful she is and stop her from treating me so badly?
From,
Daughter-in-pain
Dear Daughter-in-pain,
I, too, have had a very difficult mother-in-law and know how deeply upsetting it is, particularly when your husband will not defend you or says you are wrong to feel the way you do.
Your husband is, understandably, in a difficult position — caught between the two women he loves most. But the fact that he is dismissing your upset gives me cause for concern.
He doesn’t understand that each time he defends his mother’s behavior, it’s driving a wedge between the two of you. Without your husband’s support, the resentment will start to build.
It’s imperative that your husband supports you. This doesn’t mean he has to throw his mother under the bus, or even find his mother always in the wrong. As his wife, and the mother of his children, this family unit needs to be the priority.
I strongly suggest you introduce a professional counselor to help the two of you learn to communicate.
Open and honest communication will help your husband understand exactly how you feel, and I suspect everything will become easier when you feel that he is on your side. Your mother-in-law’s comments only have the ability to hurt you if you allow them to, and it will be much easier to let them roll off your back when you feel that your husband has yours.
Find a good couples therapist, and start the work.
