Dear Jane,
I recently sat down to catch up with a old friend of mine over wine and nibbles. We don’t text regularly or call, but we get together around once a quarter to share all our latest juicy gossip – and when we see each other, it’s like no time has passed. Usually, it’s a hoot!
But this latest interaction has left me feeling out of sorts.
After a few glasses of wine – OK, maybe more than a few – my friend (who is a doctor) raised the specter of sex. Specifically, how things were going in the bedroom with our respective husbands.
We were all giggles since it’s quite clear we both have great sex lives (we’re in our early thirties and have both only been married a few years). But then I divulged a new bedroom ‘obsession’ of mine and the mood sort of… died!
You see, a few weeks back my husband lightly slapped – tapped, really – my face during sex. At first, I was shocked and a little taken aback. But then I realized that it kind of turned me on.
And ever since, I have encouraged him to do it each time we are intimate (which is most nights). And we’ve discovered that we both love the playful dynamic it adds.
I’ve shared this with a few other girl friends I see more regularly and they’ve all admitted to having dabbled in some playful slapping in bed and say they, too, find it quite hot.
Dear Jane: My doctor friend says my new favorite bedroom obsession is dangerous. But every woman I know does it.
Not my doctor friend. She was horrified.
She started lecturing me about how ‘dangerous’ this was and how, even if playful, light slaps can be a ‘gateway to serious physical and emotional abuse in a relationship’.
In the end I couldn’t be bothered to argue and put it down to an alcohol-induced overreaction.
But ever since, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what she said. She really set my mind spinning.
Am I getting myself into an dangerous situation? I love my husband and he’s so caring. But is this how it starts?
From,
Slapped Silly
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Slapped Silly,
I feel like I’m hearing more and more from women who say they’re encountering problems when discussing their sex lives with their girlfriends.
Call me old fashioned, but I just can’t understand why anyone feels the need to discuss such intimate details with their friends.
What you and your husband get up to between the sheets is truly only between you and your husband.
I imagine you’d be horrified if you discovered he was sharing intimate details with his friends on a boys’ night out. So I urge you to not to disclose anything further to your girlfriends.
While it may be easy to think of this kind of drink-fueled disclosure as playful fun, I’m inclined to view it as a betrayal. And, as you are discovering, nothing good ever comes from betrayal.
That said, I want you not to worry about your doctor friend’s reaction. Indeed, the fact she’s a doctor doesn’t lend any more weight to her argument.
As I say, your sex life is between you and your husband. And, whatever the two of you are into, as long as you both consent and are getting equal pleasure from it, has nothing to do with anyone else.
Light slapping is not a gateway to physical or emotional abuse (again, as long as you both consent). It is a problem, however, if a woman is agreeing to being slapped in order to please her partner, rather than because she wants it, too. Or, if it becomes part of a sexual practice despite it not being something she has asked for, or wants.
You have nothing to worry about with your husband. But, you do have to give some serious thought about what you let slip to your girlfriends.
Because the thing about girlfriends is that female friendships can be very intense. It may feel like she will be in your life forever, but many friendships have a worrying tendency to implode.
So I urge you not to discuss anything with your friends that you wouldn’t want the world to know.
Here’s a tip I’ve always found useful: if you ever catch yourself saying to a friend, ‘don’t tell anyone’, or, ‘this is just between you and me’, stop talking. Immediately. Don’t say the thing you were going to say, and certainly nothing about your sex life.
Dear Jane,
My husband’s older brother ‘Jake’ often visits, sometimes staying for weeks.
Since most of our kids are grown, my husband and I have the space to accommodate him, but often find that his longer visits disrupt our day-to-day routine.
Financially, Jake is unable to contribute so we are responsible for buying extra groceries and home supplies when he’s with us, which is a little frustrating, though mostly I’m happy to put up with it.
What I can’t countenance is this: recently, a mutual friend told me that Jake has a sexual fetish. It involves masturbating in other people’s homes, recording it and posting it on social media.
Apparently he has a secret profile on X where he shares these recordings – many of which have been taken at our home.
Frankly, I find it utterly repulsive and disrespectful. But neither my husband nor I have felt comfortable confronting him.
However, following his most recent visit, we were told by our mutual friend that Jake had pleasured himself, while stark naked, on some of our new furniture. This time, I decided to track down the video myself and confirm it.
Sure enough, there he was on our pristine sofa (which I now can’t wait to throw away)!
I want my husband to man up and confront his brother. I understand he’s worried about ruining their relationship, but this is now causing fights between us.
What do you suggest we do?
From,
Deeply Disturbed
Dear Deeply Disturbed,
I am as horrified as you are, and completely understand you wanting to throw the sofa away. Although, it might be best to get a professional cleaner in and chuck the brother out instead!
In all seriousness, your husband sounds like he’s having a hard time setting boundaries. But I do feel for him.
However much Jake’s ‘fetish’ gives you the ick – and frankly, it is entirely reasonable that it does – you have to sympathize with how incredibly difficult it must be for your husband to consider talking to him about this.
But that doesn’t mean he gets a free pass. The pair of you might be hugely uncomfortable with the idea of confronting Jake, but if you don’t, you’re going to resent him and run the risk of destroying an important relationship.
Some might argue it’s worth destroying the relationship. Jake’s behaviour is pretty awful, and not least because sharing these home-videos on social media is an enormous invasion of your privacy.
It’s all wrong on so many levels, and you and your husband need to come together and present a unified front in order to stop this from happening in your home ever again.
To let this situation get between you is madness, especially when neither of you have done anything wrong.
Agree to support each other, then sit down with Jake, tell him that you know all about his videos, that your privacy has been invaded, and that it is entirely unacceptable.
I am guessing he may try to deny it all, in which case I would have the videos handy. But remember, you’re not trying to shame him, just to stop his behavior in your home.
Unfortunately, you aren’t in control of what he chooses to do in his private life, but you certainly are well within your rights to stop him from doing anything like this in your house.
