Dear Jane,
My girlfriend and I recently flew from Los Angeles to London and back again for a trip, and something that I did on our return flight has caused her to give me the silent treatment.
We’ve been happily dating for over two years but don’t yet live together.
We are in our 20s and I earn quite a bit more money than she does, so when we decided to vacation in London, I offered to pay a larger amount of money toward the flights and hotels. We booked seats in coach.
In the end, the trip was so wonderful that, as we prepared for the return flight (an 11-hour slog), we were already discussing our next visit. But, as we boarded, the attendant who scanned my ticket told me I had been randomly selected for an upgrade and instructed me to follow her to a seat in first class.
I was very excited — I had never flown first class before. I gave my girlfriend a hug, said ‘see you later’ and dashed off to make the most of the experience.
But before I could enjoy my first sip of Champagne my girlfriend started blowing up my phone with a string of furious texts: ‘how could you?!’, ‘I’ll never forgive you for this’, ‘you’re grotesque’, ‘I would NEVER do this to you’, and so on.
I texted back apologizing, but explained that I didn’t really see what the big deal was. After all, I’d paid for the lion’s share of the flights and the upgrade was totally random.
My girlfriend ghosted me after something ‘grotesque’ I did on our flight. But I thought it was every man’s dream.
After take-off, I ventured back into the economy section to find her, but she refused to talk to me and wouldn’t even take off her headphones to listen to what I had to say. I didn’t want to make a scene and humiliate myself, so I went back to my seat (and, frankly, I enjoyed it!).
Once we’d landed, I waited for her by baggage claim but, once again, she gave me the silent treatment. She even called her own, separate taxi back to her apartment.
I have called and texted and showed up at her place, but it’s now been days and she still won’t budge.
I’m struggling to see what the problem is. I paid more for the flights, I have longer legs and I was chosen for the upgrade.
I love my girlfriend very much but now I’m wondering if her crazy reaction is a red flag.
From,
Mile High Dud
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Mile High Dud,
I feel your pain. But I also feel for your girlfriend.
Years ago, the same thing happened to me. My now ex-husband and I were traveling with the kids, in the back of the plane, of course, when an attendant came over to say that one of us had been upgraded.
My husband jumped up without a second thought, leaving me open-mouthed in shock. As it happens, I had paid for those flights, and that vacation, but somehow he was perfectly fine with swanning up the aisle to first class.
There’s no reason why it should have been me rather than him (although, by your calculation, given that I paid, perhaps it should have been me). But I was still furious.
I could see him up front, toasting Champagne with a very glamorous new travel companion, chatting away, not a care in the world.
Perhaps I was wrong to be angry. Perhaps your girlfriend is wrong. But whatever happened to good old-fashioned chivalry?
I’m sure you’d think nothing of offering your girlfriend the more comfortable seat in a restaurant. So in the same vein, allowing her to enjoy the first-class experience would have been a lovely thing to do. It would have made your girlfriend feel treasured, rather than forgotten about back in coach.
I don’t think her reaction is a red flag.
If anything, it’s a problem that it never occurred to you to offer her the upgrade. As is the fact you went back to see her and rub salt in the wound.
I know we’re living in the age of equality, where men are not supposed to help women with their heavy suitcases, or hold the door open, but frankly, a bit of gentlemanly decency still goes a long way.
I don’t know if there’s a way back for you. But a sincere apology and acknowledgment that it was selfish, and that you will not act this way again, may save the day.
If not, please remember this with future girlfriends: however independent they seem, however equal, they all want to be made to feel special.
