Dear Jane,
My husband and I have been married for around five years and, until recently, everything had been great.
A few months ago, however, my husband stopped making any effort to initiate sex. We used to enjoy a fairly active sex life – usually being intimate at least three times a week.
Now we haven’t had sex in months, not even on Valentine’s Day, and not even when I try my hardest to get things going (I put on sexy lingerie and it didn’t work!)
Then, last week, I clocked why we’re having this awful dry spell, and I’m more upset than ever.
He was showering and I was making us dinner. I decided to turn on the Bluetooth speaker and listen to some music but it automatically connected to his iPhone. To my horror, porn started blaring out at full volume.
I quickly switched the speakers off, but I then started eavesdropping whenever he showered to see if it was a one-off or a regular occurrence.
Sure enough, each time he took a shower, I heard the porn quietly playing in the bathroom.
Dar Jane: My husband and I are going through a dry spell. I’ve just realized the depressing reason why.
Frankly, I’m scared that my husband is addicted to porn, and worried about what this will do to our relationship.
And what if the content he is watching is violent? Might he start mistreating me in the bedroom?
I have so many questions, but I haven’t dared confront him yet. I’m not quite sure what to say.
From,
Pause the Porn
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Pause the Porn,
I’m going to start with the end of your letter where you assume the porn he’s watching is violent and will lead to you being mistreated in the bedroom.
There is no reason to think this.
You’re also assuming that your husband is addicted. And while that could indeed be possible, I’d remind you that his watching habit appears to be new behavior.
You have a golden opportunity to address his use of porn before it gets out of control. So I’m wondering why you haven’t been able to talk to him about it.
If you are feeling in any way ashamed then please don’t.
As for not knowing what to say: tell him exactly what you have told me.
He may try and deflect with anger and blame you for monitoring him, but ignore that and keep bringing the conversation back to the point in hand: his new porn habit.
Something is amiss with your sex life and you have now discovered his secret.
Keep judgment out of the discussion. The issue is less his use of porn and more his loss of interest in you.
You have, not unreasonably, deduced that the two are linked. But there might be something else at play here. Whatever the reason, a lack of intimacy in a marriage this young is problematic.
I suggest that you seek counselling together to determine how to deal with this.
Dear Jane,
About two years ago, my mother asked me if she could temporarily move in with me.
At first, it was fine, but now it’s becoming too much and she has long overstayed her welcome.
My mother is in her mid-60s and divorced. When she first asked to live with me, she said it would only be for a year and that’s what my husband agreed to.
Now we are on year two and it’s affecting my marriage.
We have a small house with three kids and tensions are rising – especially when my mother offers unsolicited parenting advice.
Last week I found out that she has run into financial difficulties and is being sued by a creditor for non-payment.
Hugely embarrassing, I ended up being served with her court papers in front of my neighbors!
Now I’ve discovered she is trying to stay with me longer. I say discovered because she didn’t ask me but instead roped my children into convincing me and their dad to let her stay on.
It’s revealed a side to my mother that I really don’t like.
She is wildly irresponsible with money and complains about not having a male companion but doesn’t make any attempts to get out there.
I’m sick of her playing the victim. She makes subtle comments about how she ‘doesn’t know how she will get by’ if she moves out of our home.
Of course, I love her very much, but I fear our living arrangement is ruining our relationship.
From,
Daughter Dread
Dear Daughter Dread,
What an enormous cross to bear.
Your predicament will be familiar to so many.
Of course, we owe a duty of care to our parents when they are aging and ailing, but there are limits, and your mother doesn’t seem to have any boundaries.
The very fact that she asked to live with you in the first place, in a small house with three young children, is a clear indication of that.
Years ago my former mother-in-law wanted to move in with us.
Like your mother, she was also a woman who would have treated my house as her own.
So I was forced to draw a line and, as hard as it was, I had to stand my ground and say ‘no’.
I knew that, had she moved in, it would have been the end of my marriage.
Your family comes first. And by your family, I’m talking about your husband and your children.
As hard as this is to hear, you are enabling rather than helping your mother by letting her live with you.
She is old enough to step out of victim mode. The only way for all of you to be free is for you to now insist that she moves out.
Help her find somewhere she can afford and, if she can’t afford anything, help her find work so that she can.
She is asking too much of you and manipulating your family. You need to be very strong here. You will be astonished at how capable your mother is when you remove the safety net that you are providing.
