Dear Jane,
I have been happily married to my husband for two years now. We met when I was in my late 20s and we tied the knot when I was 31.
I’d never had a serious relationship before, and I used to travel around for work – so I’ll admit that I’d slept with a fair few people before we met.
Not that it’s something we ever discussed.
Last week, however, my husband told me his best friend had discovered his girlfriend’s ‘body count’ and was horrified by the total.
Dear Jane: My husband is upset after I revealed my body count… but I don’t even think my number is that high!
His girlfriend had admitted to sleeping with 20 people, a number judged by my husband and his friend to be ‘extremely high’.
Then, out of curiosity, he asked what my ‘body count’ was. And, having heard his outrage at 20, I decided to lie.
A little panicked, I claimed I’d slept with no more than 15 guys.
It turned out that my husband was disturbed even by that lower estimate – and admitted that he found ‘so many’ sexual partners to be a little off-putting.
Yet the truth is that I’ve slept with well over 50 men, so many that I’ve lost count.
Now I don’t know what to do. Should I stick to my lie and just hope the subject never comes up again?
Or accept that, if my husband has a problem with my number of former lovers, then he’s not the one for me?
From,
Previously Promiscuous
Dear Previously Promiscuous,
I am so sorry that you have found yourself in such a tricky situation, and more sorry still that you felt pressured to lie.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
I’ve never been a fan of lying. I think that secrets fester in relationships, and ultimately cause more problems than the truth.
Frankly, I’m concerned about your husband’s reaction to the answer you gave. You’re not sleeping with anyone else now, so to judge you for your past seems small-minded and unfair.
If I’m honest, his behavior strikes me as a bit of a red flag.
The number of past lovers any of us have had is irrelevant – and it certainly has no bearing on your ability to be a faithful and loving wife to your husband now.
I do think you ought to consider coming clean about the bigger, true number – largely because I fear you will never be completely comfortable until you know his reaction to the truth.
His response to that true number will tell you all that you need to know. And if he does find it difficult to digest, it may indicate a bigger issue within your marriage.
A professional counsellor or therapist to help you navigate through this could be beneficial. Having an impartial mediator who will allow you both to express your feelings freely is often a good thing.
However, if he is still then unable to accept the truth about your past, I hope that you can find happiness and peace with someone who loves and accepts you exactly as you are.
