Dear Jane,
I met my wonderful husband 14 years ago. He’s everything I ever hoped to find in a life partner. We balance each other, have the same interests, goals and sense of humor. We really love each other, unconditionally and unselfishly.
While our marriage is strong, it hasn’t been without its challenges.
My mother-in-law is horrible. Over the years she’s said and done things that have left me wondering how on Earth my husband could have possibly been raised by someone who is the very antithesis of who he is.
She ruins every visit and holiday with her antics. She purposely picks fights with my husband and father-in-law. For my husband’s sake, I stay out of the madness and just rant about her on our long drives home.
Both my husband and his father are desensitized to her hysteria, but I am not.
Dear Jane: My mother-in-law bullies me because I’m infertile.
A few years ago, my husband and I found out that we are unable to have children due to infertility, and it’s been devastating for us.
We shared this news with our parents because they’ve long questioned us about when we were going to start a family and it’s a very upsetting subject for us. It’s still very raw and even now brings me to tears to talk about.
During our most recent visit, my mother-in-law kept talking about my husband’s cousin and his ‘brood’ of children. After a while, my husband finally said, ‘You know, mom, we really don’t want to hear about this’.
That’s when she lost it. She screamed something along the lines of: ‘Well how do you think I feel! All my friends have grandchildren and I don’t. I get that it’s upsetting for you, but I have to live with never being a grandmother! Do you have any idea what that’s like for me?!’
Her outburst shocked me. She resents us for the very thing we’re struggling with and desperately wish we could change.
This feels like the straw that’s broken the camel’s back. I love my husband dearly and don’t want to upset him, but I don’t know if I can maintain a relationship with my evil mother-in-law.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
What should I do?
Warmly,
Daughter-In-Hell
Dear Daughter-in-Hell,
My heart goes out to you. Trust me, I know what it’s like to deal with a mother-in-law’s hysteria.
I also know that, if clear boundaries are not set by you and your husband, a toxic mother-in-law can destroy a marriage.
I write this emerging from my own 18-year marriage to a man I loved deeply, but which came to an end partly because of my soon-to-be former mother-in-law.
The priority in every marriage should be each other, never the in-laws, so it’s important that you come together on this.
My advice is that you both take some distance from your husband’s mother, for peace of mind and the health of your marriage.
If your husband decides to see her on his own, that’s his choice. For his emotional health, he may want to seek therapy or other external guidance. I particularly recommend the book ‘Stop Walking on Eggshells’ by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger.
I am glad that your husband was able to intervene and stand up for both of you during your recent visit.
Sadly, though, there’s not much you can do to protect him from his emotionally unstable mother. It is enormously hard for men to grow up in homes with such a parent. Sons of particularly needy mothers are often cast in inappropriate roles. They can be ‘parentified’ and made responsible for the wellbeing of their mothers when the care-giving dynamic should be the other way around.
As a result, these men often grow up having no idea of how to set appropriate boundaries. When their toxic mothers shriek ‘jump’, they ask how high.
Be warned: bad moms tend to lash out when a daughter-in-law gets in the way. Know that her behavior is nothing to do with you and do what you can to protect yourself.
Dear Jane,
My dear husband is 55, 8 years older than me. We’ve been married for 16 years and together for 18.
He is a very practical man and provides well for me and our child.
For a long time we had a very physical relationship, and the sex was good. However, for the last five years we have had no physical affection or intimacy.
He sleeps on the sofa and makes no effort to come to bed at night, let alone touch, hug or kiss me.
My husband knows that this upsets me. I have told him that I miss the intimate part of our marriage and have tried to initiate physical affection, but my efforts are rebuffed.
Whenever I raise it his response is ‘I’ll have a look at it’ (as if I’m a work appointment!) or that he’s ‘tired’.
However, I know he’s up late watching porn on the TV, as it’s often on those channels when I turn it on the following morning.
This really upsets me as he obviously still has sexual desires. I feel like we are co-habitants and not a loving married couple anymore.
I did say to him a few months ago that I don’t want to continue to be in a marriage where I don’t feel loved or desired. He said he’d make an effort but as of yet – nothing.
About five months ago, my ex-fiancé from 25 years ago unexpectedly got in touch on social media and we chatted for months. Eventually, it turned into more than two exes chatting. Our conversations became sexual. He made me feel desired and wanted, something I hadn’t felt in years.
We eventually met up and the inevitable happened – we had sex.
This hasn’t since progressed any further, but it made me realize what I’m missing from my marriage.
I feel so lonely, sad and neglected in my marriage and I don’t know what to do.
From,
Neglected wife
Dear Neglected wife,
Infidelity is never something to be condoned. However, given the context that you have provided, I can’t say I’m the slightest bit surprised that you had a one-night-stand with your ex-fiancé.
The feeling of being desired, the need to be touched and made to feel beautiful are among the most basic human instincts.
No matter how well a partner may provide for your family, there is only so long that anyone can be expected to go to bed alone and unwanted.
A marriage is so much more than financial stability. It is about companionship, having our needs met, and being able to change our behavior when we know it is upsetting our spouse.
At the moment, you are getting none of these things.
But before I suggest you throw the baby out with the bathwater, I wonder whether your husband might be willing to address what appears to be an addiction to porn.
Common effects of a bad porn addiction – the inability to connect with loved ones, sexual dysfunction, the loss of interest in any activity that is not related to porn – certainly appear to be present.
As hard as this may be to hear, unless your husband is willing to recognize his problem, I don’t see any hope for your marriage.
Addiction is a terrible disease – and it is virtually impossible to cure without outside intervention.
I suggest you speak immediately to a expert specializing in addiction whilst you figure out how to raise this with your husband.
Often addicts will become defensive when they are confronted. But the fact that he is sleeping on the sofa downstairs and that you’ve had no sex or physical intimacy for five years is an enormous problem that must be tackled head-on.
A counsellor or addiction therapist will help you find the best way to broach the topic with him.
Neither of you can, or should, continue like this. It is time for things to change.
