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This may or may not come as a surprise, but couples are having less sex than ever. And not everyone’s happy about it. According to the Natsal research project (a UK sex census that happens every decade), 51 per cent of women and 64 per cent of men in relationships wish they were having more.
But hope is not lost. Clinical psychologist and psychosexual therapist Dr Karen Gurney, who has helped countless couples improve their sex lives, says frequency isn’t the only indicator of good sex.
Through her work for the NHS and in her private practice, The Havelock Clinic, Dr Gurney is on a mission to change the way we understand desire, particularly women’s desire – a subject she explored in her bestselling book Mind The Gap. She also dispenses invaluable insights to more than 100,000 followers on Instagram, where she is better known as The Sex Doctor.
So just how much sex should you be having? Here Dr Gurney answers that thorny question and shares her advice for a healthy sex life in a long-term relationship, in midlife and beyond.
This may or may not come as a surprise, but couples are having less sex than ever
It’s not about frequency
‘Three times a week.’ I’ve lost count of the number of patients I see who give that number when asked how much sex they think they should be having – although it’s a goal that’s far from realistic for most people, since the average for British couples is closer to three times a month, and twice for people in midlife.
It’s common to see quantity as a barometer of a good sex life, but research tells us there’s no link between the amount of sex we have and how satisfied we are. Infrequent sex that makes us feel alive, close and connected to our partner is much better than having daily sex that’s low in pleasure.
However, research reveals that sexual satisfaction is important for relationship satisfaction. When people have great sex, it boosts their self-esteem and wellbeing – making us all happier, both in and out of the bedroom.
Be honest about what you want
For many couples, the qualities they value in long relationships – security, knowing another person completely – can bring an overfamiliarity and predictability that isn’t always helpful when it comes to sex. So a good yardstick by which to measure your satisfaction is what makes sex good for you, and whether you’re getting enough of that.
I always encourage patients to ask themselves the question: what truly matters to me? How important is pleasure, losing yourself or being adventurous? Perhaps emotional connection is what you value most, or feeling desired.
For one woman, Lucy, good sex meant talking about what she and her partner wanted in the bedroom, but she had never expressed this. Don’t compare yourself to what you imagine others are doing. Focus on what fulfils you and let your partner know.
When people have great sex, it boosts their self-esteem and wellbeing – making us all happier, both in and out of the bedroom
Don’t expect to feel spontaneous desire
One myth I hear all the time, and would love to dispel, is that people in loving, long-term relationships should feel desire for one another out of the blue, and that sex should just happen naturally as a result. But research shows that after more than a year with a partner, it’s normal for this type of lust to fade.
Sadly, it is common for women to blame this change in desire on themselves and to feel broken because of it. In the last Natsal survey, 34 per cent of women interviewed reported a loss of interest in sex, and 62 per cent of these women said they were concerned about it. But it’s a normal experience. Other research shows that a large proportion almost never spontaneously feel like having sex with their partner.
That doesn’t mean it’s impossible to maintain high levels of desire with someone you’ve been with for decades – it just requires intentional effort. Desire has to be kick-started.
But don’t schedule sex
With so many demands on our time and energy, such as work, children and elderly parents, the idea of pencilling into the diary a pre-agreed time for sex is often cited as a way to keep intimacy alive. But nothing kills desire more quickly than pressure to perform or meet an expectation, so I don’t recommend it. Sex we don’t really want has been proven to diminish desire over time, not only for the person who isn’t enjoying it, but for their partner, too.
Spend time together with no phones (or pressure)
Just as you can’t become physically fit without making time for exercise, if you want a sex life where desire features, you have to create space for that spark to be nurtured.
Attention is pivotal to desire, and because of the digital world, we have so much more consuming our attention than previous generations did. We sit on the sofa scrolling through our phones and barely make eye contact with our partners. Unsurprisingly, this is reflected in the fact we’re having less sex than we were a decade ago.
Once a week, or however often you can, put down your phone, switch off the TV and really connect and listen to each other. Plan for non-sexual physical intimacy, such as a passionate kissing session, a shared bath or a massage, and agree there’s no guaranteed outcome. This allows desire to emerge, and sex might follow, but both partners need to accept it might not.
Pencilling into the diary a pre-agreed time for sex is often cited as a way to keep intimacy alive. But nothing kills desire more quickly
Sharing the chores is sexy
I see many couples where an unequal division of housework and childcare derails their sex lives. It’s often a surprise to men that taking a good look at how they contribute can lead to their partner being more interested in sex.
So many women feel burned out because they’re doing the majority of chores as well as keeping the household running. Women in this position experience higher levels of stress, resentment and often see their partner as another child, which is deeply unsexy. It’s no surprise their desire is a casualty. Sex feels like another thing on their to-do list.
I recommend writing down every job that needs doing and splitting them fairly. It can be difficult to change ingrained patterns, but better sex is a good incentive.
Talking is essential
Patients are always telling me things they’ve never told anyone else. Many people find it much easier to talk to me about sex than the person they’ve been having it with for decades. But research shows that the more you talk about sex together, the higher your chance of a better sex life.
Talking allows us to share our likes and dislikes. It’s common for me to see couples where one partner feels like sex less often than the other, and the other partner thinks: ‘They don’t fancy me any more.’
Take Helen, 48, and Doug, 51, who’d been together 15 years when they came to see me. Helen had been less inclined to have sex. She put it down to early menopausal symptoms and caring for her sister, who had cancer. She had started to find Doug’s ‘jokes’ about how long it had been as insensitive and hurtful.
During therapy, however, we learned that Doug just wanted to feel close to Helen during a stressful time for them both. Understanding this totally changed her feelings.
Keep it positive
It’s easy for people to misconstrue conversations about sex as criticism and get defensive. It’s best to keep comments positive, along the lines of, ‘I love it when we have sex, and I thought we should talk about it more.’ Then you can lead into your desired outcome. If broaching the subject of sex feels daunting, you could start by linking it to something you’ve read or heard on a podcast – even sending them a link can help spark a chat.
Increase your ‘sexual currency’
There’s more to our sex life than a few minutes between the sheets. I’d like couples to see it as everything we wouldn’t do with anyone else, from flirting and passionate kissing to playful pats on the bum.
We can increase our ‘sexual currency’, or charge, with small shifts, such as turning that peck on the cheek as you leave the house each day into a five-second kiss. When the couples I work with do this, the amount of sex they have becomes irrelevant, because their sense of passion increases. But usually it leads to more sex, too.
How Not To Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life by Dr Karen Gurney is published by Headline, £16.99. To order a copy for £15.29 until 7 September, go to mailshop.co.uk/books or call 020 3176 2937. Free UK delivery on orders over £25
As told to: Polly Dunbar. Some names have been changed to protect confidentiality.
getty images/istockphoto.
