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Back in 2021, I realized many of my clients and friends were wrongly diagnosing their exes as sociopaths.
Since then, as therapy has become not only widely accepted, but also a badge of honor to say you’re ‘doing the work’, it seems everyone is now a clinical expert.
Suddenly, there are red flags and triggers and people with bipolar disorder everywhere we look.
Welcome to the era of weaponized therapy speak – a good thing gone too far.
I’m a clinical psychologist with a doctorate, a certification in EFT, training in Gottman and RLT, and over a decade of experience coaching couples, and have seen first-hand how these important, often empowering, terms have become diluted, misapplied, and even wielded as accusations.
And I’m here to post some important questions to help us remember the true meanings of these words.
Is your partner really gaslighting you, or do they just disagree?
Is your boss actually a narcissist, or did they just hurt your feelings?
Dr Morley is a clinical psychologist with over a decade of experience coaching couples
Is your partner really gaslighting you, or do they just disagree? Sometimes it’s just two people with different perspectives trying to be heard
Is that new person you’re dating love-bombing you, or are they just being nice?
Are your friends violating your boundaries, or did they just not know how you felt?
Here are some of the most commonly misused therapy terms, and why it’s time to use them with more care.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, where a person is made to question their sense of reality.
The gaslighter questions their memories, makes them doubt their experience and slowly, insidiously, systematically makes them think they’re crazy.
This is quite different from the normal disagreements and invalidations that occur in every relationship.
Arguing about different memories of an event or trying to decide who’s right about what ‘really’ happened is frustrating, but it’s not gaslighting. People often disagree about experiences and invalidate others’ views in their fight to be right.
Not every disagreement or hurt feeling is gaslighting. Sometimes it’s just two people with different perspectives trying to be heard.
Red flags
These were originally intended to serve as warning signs of extreme danger, such as a fire or flood, or, in the case of relationships, to indicate someone who may be abusive. They were indicators that the person you’re interacting with is potentially threatening and should be avoided.
Frustratingly, red flags are often best seen in hindsight, or when multiple red flags point in the same direction. The problem now is that every flaw or misstep is quickly labeled as a red flag, even if the error isn’t an indicator of real concern.
This is problematic because everyone has red flags. No one is perfect, and we need to allow people space to be flawed instead of using one ‘bad sign’ as a reason to end a relationship.
Just because something makes you feel hurt, embarrassed, insecure, or, God forbid, even gives you the ick, doesn’t mean it’s a sign of relational danger.
Narcissist
This is a relatively rare personality disorder that only 0.5–1 percent of the general population has, yet on social media you’d think every ex and boss has it.
A person needs to meet five out of nine criteria (such as grandiosity, lack of empathy, entitlement, and a need for admiration) to be accurately diagnosed.
Someone with NPD displays these traits for years and in all relationships, not just with one person.
In other words, if a person is only a narcissist with you, they’re not a narcissist.
However, many people have subclinical narcissistic traits, and, in fact, most of us have probably gone through periods when we’re more self-focused, desiring attention, or feeling mortally wounded when overlooked (teenagers, anyone?).
Also, plenty of people act like jerks and don’t qualify as narcissists. People can demand too much of you, forget to ask you about your day, fish for compliments after every workout, become overly obsessed with beating a coworker for a promotion, or behave unkindly during an argument, and they can still not have NPD.
Plenty of people act like jerks and don’t qualify as narcissists
Humans are not always kind, empathic, or humble – but lacking those qualities doesn’t mean they have a personality disorder.
Love bombing
This is another abuse tactic intended to secure and trap someone in an unhealthy relationship. It involves excessive flattery, gift-giving, constant communication, and a lot of talk about ‘destiny’ and ‘soul mates’, making the person feel consumed by love.
The abuser also uses the same extreme affection after an abuse incident as a way of ensuring the survivor doesn’t leave.
Nowadays, people confuse the regular heightened adoration of courtship and healthy repair post-conflict with love bombing, claiming their partner is trying to rush them into commitment or forgiveness.
It might feel over the top to get a daily ‘Good morning!’ text, flowers delivered to your workplace after a fight, or a fancy necklace on a third date, but these things can be innocent and kind gestures of romantic interest or remorse.
If loving actions are not attempts to gain control but, instead, are attempts to connect or repair, then they have nothing to do with love bombing.
Love-bombing involves excessive flattery, gift-giving, constant communication, and a lot of talk about ‘destiny’ and ‘soul mates’
It might feel over the top to get a fancy necklace on a third date, but it can be an innocent gesture of romantic interest
We need to be careful that we don’t make it impossible for someone to excitedly invest in a budding relationship or patch things up after a fight.
Sociopath
This is a subset of antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), and those affected, along with psychopaths, display a pervasive pattern of disregarding the rights and safety of others.
They are deceitful, impulsive, reckless, and violent – and all without remorse due to their limited (or nonexistent) capacity for empathy.
As with narcissism, a person doesn’t suddenly become a sociopath or act like one in only one relationship or context; they show signs of this disorder from childhood and are consistently this way.
People often hide their vulnerable feelings and can appear cold and cruel as a result. We don’t always know their intentions or emotional state. They might care that they hurt us, but conceal their regret because they’re bad at admitting wrongdoing.
And yet still, sometimes people who don’t have ASPD knowingly hurt us and feel justified in doing so. They might feel bad about the emotional impact it had but not regret their decision.
So, while you might be hurt that your best friend gave you some harsh feedback without apologizing later, it doesn’t mean they are a sociopath.
While we love to call an ex a sociopath, this disorder involves criminal activity and blatant disregard for others’ safety, not just callous decisions that don’t take our needs into account.
Boundaries
These are important lines that protect our safety and autonomy in relationships. They are limits we decide and enforce.
While some boundaries are universal and uncrossable (think: abuse), most are specific to the individual, change over time and can be negotiated.
It might not feel good when it happens, but one way we learn someone’s boundaries is by stepping over them, which is why we shouldn’t panic when it happens.
You find out that innocently flirting with the bartender makes your partner really upset, so you don’t do it again. Your parent won’t respect your requests about how often they call you, so you choose not to answer unless the time works for you.
You find out that innocently flirting with the bartender makes your partner really upset, so you don’t do it again
Crossing lines isn’t always a crisis.
Not everything that feels hard is a boundary violation. Sometimes it’s just a relationship issue or a tough dynamic that you’re working through.
And remember, it’s up to us to enforce our boundaries, not expect others to always know or remember them.
A gentle reminder
Therapy terms offer a powerful lens for understanding distressing or abnormal experiences, but it’s a lens that isn’t always necessary or accurate.
Much of the time, the situations we’re dealing with fall within the normal range, and pathologizing them causes more harm than good. When we jump to labels and disorders, we not only unfairly judge people, but also dilute the actual meaning of these clinical terms.
We shouldn’t act like clinicians analyzing patients. And we shouldn’t rely on social media reels to arrive at diagnostic conclusions. Instead, let’s approach the people in our lives with curiosity, nuance, and generosity. If there’s a clinical issue, let’s address it – but let’s stop weaponizing the words that were meant to help.
They’re Not Gaslighting You: Ditch the Therapy Speak and Stop Hunting for Red Flags in Every Relationship Perfect by Dr Isabelle Morley is published by PESI Publishing
