It’s the age-old marital cliché: ‘Not tonight, I have a headache.’ But what happens when that headache lasts for months… even years?
Two weeks ago, I spoke to several wives who revealed why they had stopped having sex with their husbands. Some of the reasons were obvious: the men had let themselves go. Others were scandalous, like the unfaithful wife who refused to sleep with her husband because she didn’t want to ‘cheat’ on her lover.
But the biggest reason of all? Husbands who won’t do chores around the house, don’t cook, clean or help with the children, and leave their wives feeling like unpaid servants.
After my column was published, my inbox blew up. Now, I’m used to getting messages from angry men, but this was different. I was getting heartbreaking DMs from husbands telling me they help around the house, stay in shape and treat their wives like queens – and they’re still not getting any action.
Well, gentlemen, I hear you loud and clear. It turns out, there is another side to this sorry story, and it deserves our attention: the Unexplained Sexless Marriage.
The more I read their stories, the more I realised it really is a silent epidemic. A study found up to one in five couples consider their marriage ‘sexless’, meaning they do it fewer than ten times a year, and 25 per cent of married men feel sexually neglected.
So here I present the stories of these forgotten, neglected men. You may think this is an article about bitterness and frustration – but really it’s about confusion: some of these husbands honestly don’t know what they did wrong. In fact, they say they did everything ‘right’ – doing their share of the chores, being romantic, keeping fit and healthy – and yet they are rejected night after night by their wives.
Before we go on, a word of warning to the women reading these confessions, you may get slightly triggered…
Two weeks ago, I spoke to wives who revealed why they’d stopped having sex with their husbands. After my column was published, my inbox blew up. There is more to the story – now I’m setting the record straight (stock image posed by models)
‘I stay in shape, cook and clean – but I get nothing’
One man, we’ll call him John*, tells me he ticks all the boxes when it comes the things women ask of their husbands: he cooks, cleans and keeps himself fit in the gym. Oh, and his fixes the car and is a great dad!
Still, he tells me, the sex has dried up and he’s sick and tired of being rejected.
‘I’ve been married for 17 years. I do all of the above but it’s always me who initiates… then I get rejected. So I give her space, I don’t pester her, then after taking care of all the chores and treating her to a date night, I try again. Same result.
‘It makes you think, «Why bother?» I’ve started to look outside my marriage because I have all these women flirting with me and I don’t get any at home. In the past, I would flash my wedding ring, but now I’m putting it in my pocket when I leave the house.
‘I love my wife, but our sex life is down to once every four months. I’d never leave her because my kids are my world. I just want to feel wanted.’
The 15-year dry spell
John’s story became a familiar one as more and more men flooded my inbox, admitting they were considering having affairs even though they were still in love with their wives. Their reason? They no longer wanted to feel invisible.
The more I read these husbands’ stories, the more I realised it really is a silent epidemic of Unexplained Sexless Marriages, writes Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking
Another man confessed: ‘The temptation to cheat is massive… I have a healthy sex drive, and it’s tough. I haven’t had a BJ off her for 15 years.’
Ouch. Fifteen years is a long time between drinks.
The menopause ‘excuse’
Now, it’s fair to say most blokes will never fully grasp what happens to a woman going through menopause.
Yes, ‘manopause’ is a thing – their testosterone declines, their sex drive takes a hit, some fellas resort to those little blue diamonds to keep it up…
But middle-aged men simply do not go through the same hormonal roller coaster that their wives do. As a result, I firmly believe all men should sit down and be unquestioningly sympathetic to women going through ‘the change’.
However, I have found some husbands believe menopause is a ‘crutch’ some women use to explain away their vanishing libidos without doing anything to fix it.
I won’t pass judgement on that one, but here’s a story from David* who, when asked if he’d ever felt rejected in his marriage, confessed: ‘Yes, millions of times.
‘It feels like menopause is the main excuse as well as others. It made me feel not great at all, I feel like I’m just a good friend, financial companion, father. I drink a bit too much at times to numb the pain.
‘I’ve considered cheating before because there’s only so much a man can do for himself. I added it up and nearly got to 200 days without having sex once. Now I’m just staying for the sake of the children.’
Loneliness in my marriage almost broke me
One man’s experience was particularly poignant as he shared with me how his wife’s contestant rejection led to depression.
‘Intimacy stopped in my marriage,’ he began.
‘We’ve divorced now and weirdly enough get along better than ever. The constant rejection lasted for two years before I threw in the towel.
‘Even now, I still don’t know why. She said she loved me, but I don’t know. It was hard. It took me to a dark place, as I’m sure it did her sometimes.’
Once every two months isn’t enough
By his own admission, Brendan* isn’t trapped in a sexless marriage. In fact, by his estimation, he gets some action between six and 12 times a year – which some of the other men I spoke to for this article would give their right arm for.
But still it’s not enough to leave him fulfilled, and the most soul-destroying part of it is knowing he’s always the one to initiate.
‘Whilst we have sex once every one or two months, I’m always the one instigating it. And when I do, I will get rejected eight out of 10 times,’ he said.
‘Having a wife who never initiates makes you feel awful. I could at least understand if she’d tried initiating before and I wasn’t in the mood or wasn’t ready and that put her off, but I can’t think of a time when that’s happened.
‘I haven’t had a blowjob from her in three years. I know BJs aren’t a man’s God-given right, but they do make you feel loved. And I always go down on her on the rare occasions when we do have sex.’
Like other men I spoke to, Brendan insists he’s no deadbeat.
‘I keep fit, look after myself, help around the house and with the kids. But her rejection has shaken my confidence,’ he said.
He also admits to being unfaithful at work, where he holds a senior position.
‘Yes, I have cheated. While they were just flings or sexting, it just gave me a rush of being desired and wanted by a woman again,’ he told me.
‘As a family, we are great; however, our sex life is just crushing me. But I love my children too much to leave my wife for anyone else.’
‘Her words destroyed me’
One husband’s story of his wife’s cancer, recovery and menopause shows that even the most patient and understanding of men can be worn down by a lack of sex.
‘Ten years ago, just before we got married, my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and I promised to be beside her every step of the way: through chemo, radiation, mastectomy and reconstruction surgery (which was screwed up by the doctor) and into the post-treatment phase,’ he told me.
‘Through it all, I still showed her that I wanted her, because I married her for love, not just looks. But once she started the drug therapy, our sex life took a massive nosedive. The estrogen suppressant killed her sex drive completely.
‘Even when we tried, it was difficult, and she clearly wasn’t enjoying it. The only advice we got from doctors? «Try using lubricants.» Not much help.’
About three years ago, his wife’s treatment ended and she is now cancer-free. But she also entered early menopause.
‘I walk on eggshells because if anything upsets her, she unleashes hell. When I finally tried to talk to her about [our sex life] 18 months ago, she ripped into me,’ he said.
‘She screamed at me, «No woman enjoys giving head – I know I don’t!», «I only pretended to enjoy sex to keep you happy», «Those things you thought turned me on? They didn’t – I just let you have your fun.» Her words destroyed me. I thought she was into it because she told me she was. Now, I don’t know what’s real.
‘We haven’t had sex in almost two years. I’m planning to leave this year but I have to untangle our finances first. At this point, I can’t see myself even trying with another woman again. I have no confidence. Do women really just go along with it to please their husbands? Was I really that bad?
‘Cancer and menopause are no walk in the park for women – I’ve seen that. But it’s no picnic for their husbands either.’
I found out I was the problem
One man I spoke to, Michael*, told me he used to feel like a victim, but eventually came to the realisation he was part of the problem.
‘After weeks of self-reflection, I realised what I was doing wrong. If a man doesn’t provide an environment for his wife where she feels deeply connected to him, then naturally she will withdraw. And sex becomes the last priority.’
He was able to rebuild that connection, but it didn’t happen overnight.
So… is there hope?
Most of the men I interviewed insisted they weren’t out-of-shape layabouts. And having checked out their Instagrams, I can confirm they weren’t lying.
So physical attractiveness can’t be the main reason why their wives are checking out in the bedroom. With that ruled out… what’s the problem?
Psychologists say that, for women, emotional intimacy is deeply linked to sexual intimacy. If she feels unheard, unsupported or like just another task on the to-do list, chances are, she’s not exactly going to be feeling frisky.
I asked around my guy friends and girlfriends, as well as some relationship experts, for advice on what to do if you’re a man stuck in a sexless marriage.
The general consensus is that yes, there is hope. But it requires work – and simply cheating on your wife isn’t a solution.
Talk it out or tap out
Bottling up your frustration isn’t sexy, but neither is a blowout fight. If something’s off, say it before it festers. You never know – one session with a marriage counsellor could be all it takes. Imagine how good it would feel to get it all off your chest in a safe place and be able to get back to business. Don’t waste years of your life in a sexless marriage just because you didn’t learn how to communicate properly.
Make her feel safe, not smothered
If she’s emotionally checked out, no amount of shirtless vacuuming will turn her on. Connection first, sex second. Start with simple reconnection: go on dates, listen to her properly when she tells you about her day, and follow up with questions.
Ditch the routine
If date night feels like a business meeting, it’s time to shake things up. Send a romantic text to remind her how much she means to you. Plan a weekend away. Organise a babysitter and midweek date night without her asking first.
And for the ladies reading…
A few weeks ago, you told me your brutally honest reasons for why you stopped having sex with your husbands.
For most of you, I totally get it. After all, who wants to initiate sex with a man who cheated (yuck), won’t address his erectile dysfunction (spoiler: there are pills for that) or help around the house (fellas, it’s the bare minimum!)
But after speaking to men in sexless marriages, it also became abundantly clear to me that you can’t always blame the husbands in these situations.
So if you’re married to a man who you suspect is deeply wounded by your lack of sex life, maybe throw him a compliment now and then. Trust me, it’ll mean the world to him.
Give him a playful smack on the butt when he walks past. Tell him he looks good when he steps out of the shower. You may not realise it, but men like feeling wanted just as much as we do.
If he’s vacuuming shirtless (or just being a decent husband and father), maybe, just maybe, show him a little physical appreciation. Who knows? It might just reignite some of that old spark.
Oh, and yes, men absolutely keep track of how long it’s been since their last blowjob.
- Names have been changed
