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We all deserve to fall in love, no matter our age, circumstances or history.
And, post-divorce, more and more of us are forming significant relationships in later life.
But a new partner, especially as you get older, often brings children of their own into the mix. This can leave your adult children in the peculiar situation of having a new, blended family to contend with.
So, if you find yourself gaining a new crop of step-siblings in your adult years, how should you go about bonding with them? Here is my expert advice…
ALLOW YOURSELF TIME TO GRIEVE
By the time we’re grown up, we’re accustomed to our family dynamic, whether we were raised by a single parent or a traditional nuclear family. When your parent gets into a new relationship, this is all bound to change – and you’re allowed to be sad about it.
This is particularly the case if your parent has remarried because your other parent has passed away. Your surviving parent ‘moving on’ can bring up all sorts of grief – and it’s important to feel those emotions, while remembering that the new partner doesn’t replace the old.
And by allowing yourself to remember the happier days of your ‘old’ family, you may even be able to recreate some of the traditions or parts you like within your new structure.
Dr Lisa says that it is important to embrace the change to your family and be more open-minded to it (stock image)
EMBRACE THE CHANGE
This being said, it’s inevitable that your family dynamic is going to change – and you need to be open minded to that. When step-siblings come together as adults, your identities are established, as is your position within the family.
This can be tricky; you might be the ‘funny one’, but so is your new stepbrother and there isn’t room for both of you to play the constant comedian!
But try to push aside thoughts of comparison and discuss your fears openly with your family. This honesty may even bring you closer together.
YOU DON’T NEED TO LOVE THEM
While a parent remarrying can be a beautiful opportunity to gain a new loving family, sadly it doesn’t always work this way – especially when you’re an adult.
You’re a person in your own right, with a life and perhaps a family of your own, which makes it more difficult to adapt to an extended family.
But, equally, this makes it less important that you do like them. After all, it’s not like you’ll suddenly be forced to share a bedroom.
Dr Lisa Doodson (pictured) has revealed her top tips on how to deal with step-siblings
By realising there is no pressure for you to be close with your new step-siblings, the more likely you are to form an organic connection in your own time.
BOND INDEPENDENTLY
Take a step back and see you and your new step-siblings for what you are: two adults who don’t know each other, trying to form a bond.
You don’t need to act like siblings, so treat this like any other new friendship in adulthood: go for a casual coffee in a neutral setting or grab a glass of wine after work. If you only see each other at formal family occasions, you’re more likely to just head straight for the relatives you know.
TAKE CARE WHEN IT COMES TO FINANCES
It’s never nice to think about, but the difficult conversations that come with ageing parents – care, wills, money – become more fraught in a blended family, especially if you’re still feeling your way with your relationship.
In a nuclear family, siblings can be expected to work these things out for themselves. But when adult step-siblings are introduced to the mix, ask your parent to consider making formal arrangements in advance.
Yes, it’s horrible to talk about, but by having your parent take difficult decisions out of your hands, you will avoid hard conversations with your step-siblings as and when these issues raise their heads.
Dr Lisa says that jealousy is normal, especially if your parent is making more of an effort with new step-siblings (stock image)
JEALOUSY IS NORMAL
The most important thing to remember is that your parent is probably more nervous about uniting these two families than you are.
So if you see them making more of an effort with your new step-siblings than they are with you, while it’s normal to feel jealous, don’t hold it against either your parent or the new sibling.
If you feel sidelined, have a frank conversation with your parent explaining your feelings and suggest you spend more time just the two of you.
It’s OK to want to protect and nurture the relationship you have with your biological family outside of the new step-family.
Just remember to see things from your parent’s perspective too – and that nobody can replace a parent or a child.
Follow Lisa on Instagram @happysteps_drlisahappysteps.co.uk
As told to Olivia Dean
