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Divorce is seldom an impulsive decision. Whichever one of you is chewing over the idea of a split, it is very usual for things to fester for at least a year before any action is taken. But, after 30 years as a divorce lawyer and relationship coach, I know that if your marriage has been unhappy and unhealthy, your husband could be using this time to carefully plan his exit. He’ll be getting all his ducks in a row to ensure a tidy divorce settlement which benefits him more than it benefits you.
If you don’t want to be caught off-guard, it’s a very good idea to be alert for any subtle or hidden warning signs that he might be further along in the decision-making process than you realise.
Any mention of the ‘D’ word
If he brings up the D word even if he claims he’s only joking, it could signal the fact that divorce is on his mind. If it comes out casually (‘oh if it bothers you that much, why don’t you divorce me?’) he could be discreetly gauging your reaction and rehearsing the idea in his mind. But more sinister is a repeated mention in the heat of an argument (‘I am so tired of this – maybe we should think of divorce’). Don’t try to discuss during a row but find a moment of calm to have a thoughtful conversation about what he meant and where your relationship stands.
He’s unresponsive to affection and sexual intimacy
In couples coaching, husbands often complain that the sexual spark has gone out of the marriage, often blaming wives for being unenthusiastic or unavailable. This is very understandable if you are constantly stressed, trying to juggle many responsibilities or dealing with challenges such as menopause. But when he shuts down and stops responding to physical affection and intimacy it is a clear sign your marriage is falling apart. He has probably mentally checked out and is planning his exit, imagining a life without you.
After 30 years as a divorce lawyer, I know that if your marriage has been unhappy and unhealthy, your husband could be planning his exit, writes Sheela Mackintosh-stewart
He’s become shifty about his phone
Being constantly glued to his phone, distracted, leaving the room to take calls, and getting messages late at night – that’s suspicious. It is also odd to be taking his phone to the loo or turning it upside down when he was previously happy to leave it lying around. This could be the sign of an affair, but equally, it could mean he’s planning a divorce.
Rather than assuming the worst, ask if something is troubling him and listen without judgment. Discussing the issue calmly and without confrontation gives you a chance to express your concerns, allowing you to focus on solutions rather than blame. Honest communication can help rebuild trust and strengthen your relationship.
He’s involved in unusual financial activities
If he is making unusual financial moves such as withdrawing large amounts of cash, moving money between accounts or opening new credit cards solely in his name it could be a sign he is siphoning off funds for himself – so there’s less for you in the event of a divorce. This is certainly one you can and should call out. Ask him for an explanation and detailed records. You should start monitoring your accounts more closely (take copies of statements showing any unusual activities) and changing passwords or consulting a financial adviser. If you are really concerned, you should notify the banks, and consider asking a solicitor about taking legal action if necessary to prevent your spouse from moving or dissipating assets.
He’s asking unusual questions
If he’s considering divorce, he might start probing into details of household bills, subscriptions, insurance policies or household expenditure so he can get a picture of how much he is going to have to pay out. This sudden curiosity about financial and logistical matters could be a red flag that he is preparing for separation and may be planning to exit the marriage.
He’s planning secret meetings
Pay attention if he leaves home or work for unexplained meetings and check for any emails, calendar entries or documents related to legal firms or estate agents. One client’s husband asked for a list of her appointments that week (she later discovered he wanted to check she was out of the house when he invited an estate agent to value their home). Another client found ‘family lawyers’ in the search history of their home computer.
Odd spending habits
If he’s not normally an extravagant man, be suspicious if he starts buying pricey gifts, making large, unexplained purchases, or giving overly generous presents (valuable artwork, rare collectibles, fine wines) to friends for family without a clear reason. This could be part of a strategy to dissipate marital assets.
Lipstick on his collar
If he’s got his mind set on divorce he could become less rigorous about hiding an affair and this is when you are more likely to find strange scratches on his back or someone else’s earring in your bed. He might be getting sloppy, or he could be trying to goad you into instigating proceedings. One client found a first draft of a love note – to his mistress – scrunched up in the bin.
As told to Louise Atkinson
