Table of Contents
We’re led to believe that women of a certain age simply lose interest in sex. According to this narrative, having children and settling into domestic bliss means that a typical midlife woman will come to prefer a quiet night with a good book to sexual intimacy with her partner.
But a survey published last week – which revealed that the majority of women over 50 are unsatisfied in the bedroom – has dramatically highlighted just how wrong these assumptions can be.
The poll found that 69 per cent of women were unhappy with their sex lives – with one in 20 (or 5 per cent) so starved of intimacy that they had considered paying for sex. Another 11 per cent admitted to having an affair to boost their love life.
As a psychiatrist who regularly hears couples talking about their deep unhappiness with their sex lives, I think that part of the problem is that we don’t see older women as sexual beings.
As a result, many men give up trying to initiate sex, yet neither of them feels they can talk about this most delicate of subjects. Both sexes therefore find themselves bottling up their deep feelings of inadequacy and disappointment.
But this is not the only stumbling block.
What I found particularly interesting was that 44 per cent of the men surveyed admitted to avoiding sex because of erection problems. This is terribly sad because erectile dysfunction can be easily and successfully treated in most cases by lifestyle changes, medications or other treatments.
Even in situations where penetrative sex is not an option, there are plenty of other pleasurable ways couples can enjoy intimacy. But this would require a conversation and often neither party wants to address it.
Dr Max Pemberton found that 44 per cent of the men who were surveyed had admitted to avoiding sex because of erection problems
Men are simply too embarrassed and ashamed to talk about erection problems and women are mortified to admit they feel invisible. Of course, it’s common for lust to wax and wane on both sides in a long-term relationship.
Waning confidence, hormone changes and other health issues can all play a role.
Yet when the result of a less frequent love life is feelings of isolation and even desperation, as this survey underlined, then there are clearly communication issues to be resolved.
Here are suggestions to help:
Choose your moment
It’s essential to find a private, comfortable setting with no distractions. You won’t be able to have a meaningful conversation as you’re heading out of the door to work or if the TV is blaring.
And you’ll do more harm than good to raise the matter if you’re in the middle of a row or you are in bed and are feeling rejected.
Instead, consider a casual and more relaxed setting like a leisurely weekend breakfast.
Another good idea is to bring it up on a walk, where you can talk shoulder to shoulder rather than face to face – which can often feel confrontational.
Don’t be accusing
DR MAX PRESCRIBES…
NECK FANS
My office is sweltering – there’s no air conditioning in my NHS clinic and I can’t fully open the windows either.
So thank goodness for these little fans, which hang round the neck and direct a steady stream of cool air up towards the face.
They may look a little strange, but when it’s this hot, I don’t care.
Use ‘I’ statements to express your feelings and avoid accusatory language.
Try to focus on how the situation makes you feel – for instance you might start by saying: ‘I’ve been feeling a little frustrated lately, and I wanted to talk to you about it.’
Another good way to start could be: ‘I’ve been feeling disconnected lately, and I think it’s affecting our intimacy’.
Acknowledge that it might be difficult or awkward to talk about the issue but emphasise that you love your partner and want to understand what they think about the situation.
If the issue relates to erections, it’s best to concentrate on your concern for his health and wellbeing, rather than focusing on sexual performance.
Find joint solution
Keep things general to start with, highlighting that you want to find a solution together.
‘I’ve been thinking about what would make our sex life more enjoyable for both of us. Could we talk about that?’
Expect some initial resistance. It can feel embarrassing and even humiliating to have this conversation. Try to persevere, but if the other person is struggling to discuss things, explain that you don’t want to upset them and suggest they take a couple of days to think about it.
Saying something like: ‘I’d love to feel more connected to you. Could we try [specific suggestion, such as more foreplay]?’ is a good way to get things moving, as it shows you’ve thought about it and offers a practical suggestion for some action.
Be patient
Building intimacy and addressing sexual frustration takes time and effort from both partners.
Consider whether there might be an underlying issue here, as sex droughts can sometimes be a symptom of depression, low testosterone or medication that might be affecting libido or sexual performance.
Seek compromise
There’s no right or wrong way. You will need to find a solution that works for both of you, even if it means trying something new or adjusting expectations.
It’s vitally important to keep showing affection, and you certainly shouldn’t withhold it as a ‘punishment’ or as a way of showing that you’re unhappy with them.
Hugging, kissing, and cuddling will all prompt your body to release oxytocin, the ‘cuddle hormone’, which in turn helps to create a sense of wellbeing and closeness.
Get professional help
If you are struggling to communicate effectively or find solutions, consider seeking help from a couples therapist.
Even if your partner is adamant that he or she doesn’t want to do this, you can still seek help on your own.
A solo session may help you understand your own feelings and needs better – and perhaps suggest a different way to broach them with your partner.
Try looking in the mirror, Meghan…
The Duchess of Sussex repeatedly suggests that the issue lies with others
The Duchess of Sussex appeared to be making another subtle dig at the Royal Family in a recent podcast interview.
She was asked: ‘If you could rewrite your public narrative from scratch, is there anything you would do differently?’
This required her to reflect on whether she might have behaved in another way herself. But instead of doing this, Meghan replied: ‘Yes, I would ask people to tell the truth.’
I was left wondering whether it simply hasn’t occurred to her that others may think they are telling the truth.
With no sense of accountability or self-analysis, Meghan repeatedly suggests that the issue lies with others.
Does she ever think: Could this be… me?
- Two breakthrough Alzheimer’s drugs have been deemed too expensive for too little benefit to be offered on the NHS. Donanemab and lecanemab are the first to slow the disease, potentially giving sufferers extra time living independently. However, trial results were not as promising as was hoped and real-world benefits were minimal. I’m sure many sufferers will be very disappointed by the decision. But there is still hope. We are starting to understand more about Alzheimer’s and, while not as beneficial as we’d hoped, these drugs mark the start of a revolution. They showed for the first time that the course of the disease can be changed. We shouldn’t underestimate what a leap forward this represents. I am hopeful that better drugs are on the horizon.
