We hear a lot of fancy tips on how to improve our sex lives, says breathwork specialist Jamie Clements. ‘For starters, there’s: try this position from the Kama Sutra!’
But, actually, for many people, the issue isn’t technique, it’s inattention. ‘It’s not a pleasure problem, it’s a presence problem,’ he says. We’re distracted, or tense.
‘A lot of us are spending so much time in our heads that we’re not really there. We’re not really enjoying it. We don’t feel connected to ourselves or to our partner.’
The solution is literally within us.
Focusing on your breath and slowing its pace can relax you and bring you back into the moment
‘The breath has a real capacity to help us feel more present,’ says Jamie, London-based founder of The Breath Space.
‘Part of that perceived lack of pleasure is because we’re disconnected from the feeling. Breath is a very effective route back into connecting to your body, to yourself and to feeling.’
Jamie is aware that, to some, this will sound like a load of hot air.
‘I know how to breathe,’ you might be thinking. ‘I’ve been doing it successfully all my life!’
But his approach is that breathing is rather like posture. There is usually room for improvement, and making even the most subtle changes can be remarkably beneficial.
There’s so much it can do for us, especially in the bedroom. If you have ever tried to lose yourself in your lover’s embrace – but your brain keeps reminding you about an email you should have sent – then you might inadvertently ‘forget’ to breathe, putting your body under stress, so as cortisol rises, passion wilts.
Focusing on your breath, and slowing its pace, can relax you, and bring you back into the moment.
Here, Jamie explains how to breathe new life into your lovemaking…
1. Stop holding breath at crucial moments
It’s common to tense up and hold your breath during sex. We often do it subconsciously, particularly in the moments before orgasm.
It takes away from the experience, because to feel pleasure fully we need to be in a relaxed state.
But becoming aware that you are holding your breath is the starting point. Once you realise you’re doing it, you can start to change.
2. Try nasal breathing
Keeping your mouth closed and inhaling through the nose stimulates the release of nitric oxide into the bloodstream.
Nitric oxide is a vasodilator, and by relaxing and widening blood vessels, it improves circulation and lowers blood pressure.
That means it can enhance sexual function – for men and women – as it boosts blood flow to the places it needs to flow to.
Nasal breathing also naturally slows the breath and keeps us relaxed. Inhale through the nose, down into the belly to the diaphragm.
Breathwork specialist Jamie Clements says there is so much that breathing can do for us, especially in the bedroom
3. Imagine breathing deep into your body
Increasing the depth of the breath during sex can put us in the optimal state to relax and feel pleasure.
If you are tense or preoccupied, your breathing is likely to be short, quick, and shallow, through the mouth into the upper chest.
Inhaling deeply, down into the lower belly and pelvic floor, can calm you – and enhance sensations.
While the breath isn’t physically reaching our pelvic floor, when we visualise that we are breathing into that space, it can have a potent effect.
(Just as if I were to say, close your eyes and focus attention on your right index finger – soon you may feel a tingling and pulsing in that finger.)
4. Synchronise your breathing
Particularly in long-term relationships, sex can become chore-like – you lose that spark, connection and depth.
Breathing in sync with a partner can be an incredibly connecting and intimate experience. Sometimes, it is not even how you breathe together, it’s the act of intentionally sitting down, comfortably close, facing one another – you might be fully clothed – looking each other in the eye, and slowing down your breathing at the same time.
Place a hand on your partner’s chest or stomach to create a physical connection, and then breathe through the nose, starting to slow that breath down, in time with one another.
Try breathing in for four seconds and out for six seconds together.
As your breath falls into a rhythm, your heartbeats start to synchronise. It’s a simple and beautifully powerful practice to engage in as a couple.
5. Include this Ancient practice
This is called ‘microcosmic orbit’, derived from Taoist philosophy, and is a straightforward practice.
Sit or lie down, close your eyes, and focus on your pelvic floor. Then, moving your attention up, through your spine, to the top of your head, inhale slowly through the nose.
As you scan down the front of your body, between your legs, exhale slowly. And repeat.
You’re creating an orbit around your body. In time, with your breath – inhale as you come up, exhale as you come down, combining slow, deep breathing with connection to different parts of the body – you’re making a cycle of sexual energy.
Macrocosmic orbit is the partnered version – it’s similar, but as you inhale, your partner exhales, and vice versa – as you create a sensual flow together.
