Dear Jana,
I’ve recently moved in with my new boyfriend and discovered something truly horrifying – he makes the most revolting noises in the shower every single morning.
We’re talking loud snorting, hacking nose-clearing – the kind of gross human body sounds that could wake the neighbours.
It echoes through the whole apartment like a horror film soundtrack.
I’ve never lived with a man before, so I don’t know if this is normal or if I’ve shacked up with a wild animal.
By the time he steps out of the bathroom all fresh and smiling, I’m sitting there clutching my coffee trying not to dry-retch.
I’m quite disgusted. How do I tell him to stop – or at least do it quietly – without sounding like a complete princess?
Living with an Animal.
A woman who has just moved in with her boyfriend tells DailyMail+ agony aunt Jana Hocking that she can’t stand his revolting shower noises
Dear Living with an Animal,
True story: I once went to Italy with my friend and her new boyfriend and he did the same thing every morning. She was mortified that I had to hear it, and I was worried for my eardrums.
However, having grown up with two brothers, this wasn’t a huge surprise. As soon as he came out of the shower, I simply said, ‘Bro, did you get it all out?’ He laughed, we had some banter, and guess what… he never did it again.
The key here was, I acted like a sister and made it into a joke.
That’s exactly what you need to do. You can’t approach this with disgust or judgment. Men don’t respond well to that. Treat it like you’re teasing him about leaving his socks on the floor. Light-hearted, but pointed. Something like, ‘Babe, sounds like an exorcism in there. Maybe keep the demon noises down before breakfast?’
If you make it funny, he’ll take the note without feeling embarrassed. If you act horrified, he’ll either double down or get defensive, and ramp it up a notch.
Also, I hate to say it, but this behaviour is… pretty common. Men think the shower is their personal nose-clearing sanctuary. It’s primal. Some kind of caveman cleansing ritual. You’ll never fully train it out of him, but you can set boundaries.
So pick your battles, keep your tone playful, and don’t let it ruin your mornings. Worst case scenario, invest in a good pair of noise-cancelling headphones.
A husband who walked in on his wife masturbating is now questioning everything after she told him for years that she’s ‘not into it’ (stock image posed by models)
Dear Jana,
My wife has always sworn she doesn’t masturbate. She’s told me for years that she’s ‘just not into that sort of thing.’ I never pushed it, I figured some people just aren’t.
Then last week, I left for work, realised I’d forgotten my wallet, came back inside… and walked in on her mid-session with a dildo the size and girth of a squash.
Not a little buzzer, not something discreet – this thing looked like it belonged in a sci-fi movie. We both froze, and I quickly backed out of the room like I’d witnessed a crime.
I haven’t mentioned it since – and neither has she. But now I can’t stop thinking about it. If she’s lied about that, what else has she kept from me?
I know it’s not technically cheating, but I can’t help feeling weirdly betrayed, and, honestly, a little intimidated?
Jealous of the Giant
Excuse my giant eye-roll at the notion that your wife ‘never masturbates’… and you believing her.
Spoiler: everyone masturbates. Not everyone admits it. But trust me, if she’s happy to get jiggy with you, she’s definitely getting jiggy with herself.
Now, I understand why this has rattled you. You caught her doing something she’d sworn she never did, and that makes you question what else she might be hiding. But speaking from a woman’s perspective, this wasn’t a betrayal. She probably just considers self-pleasure very private.
Some people find it awkward to admit they masturbate, even in long-term relationships. Anyone who went to a religious high school will still harbour shameful beliefs about it. I shudder at the ridiculous things we were told in ‘Christian living’ classes.
Remember: for many women, that solo space is about fantasy and zero performance pressure. It’s her time. You just accidentally walked in on it.
So don’t treat this as a trust issue – instead, treat it as an invitation. Now that the secret’s out, you’ve got a golden opportunity to make your sex life even better.
Ask her what she likes. Watch her pleasure herself – if she’ll let you. Make it a conversation instead of a secret. You might even learn a few things that take your intimacy to a whole new level.
And as for that rather, er, intimidating toy – don’t read too much into it. Women buy big ones for all sorts of reasons: curiosity, sensation, even aesthetics (yes, some are works of art). Size isn’t always about preference; sometimes it’s just about variety.
Or, if you really want to get into the science of it – maybe it is about needing a little extra fullness after childbirth. Very normal.
Either way, stop panicking about the props and focus on the performance! If she’s finding pleasure on her own, she’s clearly capable of feeling it – now make sure she’s feeling it with you.
Dear Jana,
I recently found out my boyfriend made a fake Instagram account and sent me flirty messages to ‘test’ if I’d flirt back. Well, I did. Not full-blown sexy messages, but my responses were encouraging enough to keep the chat going.
I honestly just thought it was a bit of fun. You know, harmless flirting with a stranger. Turns out the stranger was my boyfriend.
When he confessed what he’d done, he called it a ‘loyalty test,’ and said I failed. I told him that if he’s going to create fake men online, he’s just as in the wrong as I am.
I don’t feel like I cheated, but he’s making me feel like the worst person alive. Am I really in the wrong here?
Framed by My Boyfriend
Dear Framed by My Boyfriend,
I hate loyalty tests for one very precise reason: they’re designed to be failed. Nobody ever comes out of them looking good. The person being tested feels humiliated, and the person setting the trap just proves they’re insecure and sneaky.
Toxic, toxic stuff.
My boyfriend set up a ‘loyalty test’ – now he says I’ve failed, and I feel utterly humiliated
So, let’s call this what it is: emotional entrapment. He created a fake person to test you, which says a lot more about him than your flirty replies say about you.
People who do these tests are looking for proof to validate their deepest fears. And guess what? They always find it, even if they have to twist it out of thin air.
So no, you didn’t cheat. You responded playfully to what you thought was a random person online. That’s just human – we all like to feel like we’re still desirable, so don’t be too hard on yourself for enjoying a little harmless attention.
The real red flag here is that your boyfriend didn’t trust you enough to have a grown-up conversation. Instead, he organised a sting operation.
If he truly believed you were loyal, he’d never have felt the need to test you. And if he truly loved you, he wouldn’t be trying to humiliate you for a bit of harmless banter.
Making you the bad guy in this is a form of emotional manipulation, plain and simple. Don’t fall for it.
My advice would be to tell him that if he wants to build a real relationship, he needs to stop playing detective and start building real trust.
And for what it’s worth, if he’s setting traps now, he’ll keep doing it. So unless you fancy starring in ‘To Catch a Girlfriend: The Sequel’, I’d seriously consider walking away.
