Dear Jana,
Am I normal? Up until last week, I thought all vaginas looked the same. But while I was at a health retreat, I ended up in a sauna full of naked women and realised something – most of them had ‘innies’ while I’ve got an ‘outie’. Now I can’t stop fixating on it.
To be honest, I think innies look so much prettier and I’ve even started thinking about surgery. Do guys actually care about this sort of thing? None of the men I’ve been with has ever said anything, but now I’m wondering if they’re secretly telling their mates, ‘I hooked up with an outie.’
Please tell me they don’t care!
Anonymous.
Dear anonymous,
I better bloody hope not, because I have a slight outie myself, and I’ve always thought it gave me extra tingles down there. And we WANT extra tingles down there. Trust me.
But yes, sure, innies are cute and I get the hype – but just like guys’ woody woodpeckers come in all different shapes, sizes and bends, we women would be boring if we all looked the same. Fun fact: even in porn videos, the women tuck them up a little inside themselves so as not to give the appearance of having a (fabulous) labia. Why, women, why?
Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking gives her trademark sassy advice to Aussies needing help with their love lives – or lack thereof
Anyway, in the name of good research, I asked the men (and lesbian folk) among us to weigh in. I asked my Instagram followers a simple question: Would you care if your wife or girlfriend had an outie?
And the results don’t lie, my friend… a whopping 88 per cent couldn’t give a hoot. At the end of the day, I think most gents are just chuffed to be presented with any vagina. Actually, I know that for a fact, because many of them slid into my DMs to let me know.
Guys, the ‘I LOVE FLAPS!’ messages have got to stop. And please – for all our sakes – don’t call them ‘flaps’.
So, save your pennies for something far better than unnecessary surgery and wear your panini-with-roast-beef with pride. Blokes couldn’t care less. Spend your hard-earned money on better things, like Botox. God bless Botox.
Dear Jana,
I’ve been struggling with low libido for a few years now and it’s causing tension in my marriage. My husband and I have tried therapy, but we still haven’t been able to resolve the issue.
Now he’s confessed he wants to sleep with other women. He said if I can’t accept that, he wants to divorce, and has promised to keep things amicable and fair. I was heartbroken. I pleaded with him to reconsider, but he insists his mind is made up – he can’t go on without sex and won’t wait for me to change.
He says he’ll do whatever he can to make this easier for me, but I feel paralysed. All I want is for him to be patient and stick by me, but that’s clearly not an option. He’s asking me to decide what I want to do next, and I’m completely lost.
How do I even begin to navigate something like this?
Heartbroken.
This week Jana dishes out some honest advice to a woman facing divorce over her low libido
Heartbroken,
I hate to say it, but I’m on your husband’s side for this one. If my partner turned to me and said, ‘Sorry, I’ve shut up shop,’ I’d be devastated. Your husband’s honesty – while brutal – is something most people don’t get in situations like this. He has laid his cards on the table, not in a cruel way, but in a truthful way. And as hard as it is to hear, that’s worth at least a sliver of respect.
The simple fact is, a man is not a camel, and I can understand why he wants the occasional sip of water.
Marriage is about give and take, and intimacy is a huge part of that. For him, this isn’t just about sex – it’s about connection and feeling wanted. Being with a woman who isn’t remotely interested in having sex with him has probably destroyed his self-esteem. While his ultimatum – let me sleep with other women or I’ll divorce you – may sound extreme, his need for intimacy isn’t altogether unreasonable.
That said, I feel for you, too. Low libido can be such a tough thing to deal with. When I was working brutal breakfast radio hours, mine went MIA for a while. It took early nights, eating properly, and yes, even the occasional steamy novel to get back on track. Your libido can absolutely come back, but it takes work – and sometimes professional help. A sexologist or therapist could help you here.
But first, ask yourself: Can you meet him halfway? I’m not saying force yourself into anything you’re not ready for, but have you truly explored all avenues? Intimacy doesn’t have to start with fireworks – it can be as simple as holding hands more, kissing or having a date night without any expectation of sex.
If that feels out of reach, then ask yourself this: Do you love him enough to set him free? If sex is that important to him and you know it’s not something you can prioritise right now (or ever), the kindest thing you can do is let him explore his needs.
It’s something to ponder, because asking him to give up sex for the rest of his life is something anyone would struggle with.
Dear Jana,
I’ve just discovered my husband has been siphoning large amounts of money from our joint account and transferring it to an account I’ve never seen before.
Now I’m getting paranoid that he’s funding a secret affair or stashing cash for a divorce? Or is this some elaborate plan to leave me high and dry?
We’ve always fought a lot – it’s just how our relationship has been from the start – but this feels different. As the primary breadwinner, he’s always had control over the finances, but this is too suspicious to ignore.
How would you confront this kind of behavior. Or am I letting my imagination run wild?
Sue.
Sue,
This is suss, suss, suss behaviour. And guess what, you do have a right to ask him where the money is going: If you have a bank account under both your names, legally you can ask. In fact, you should damn well ask. Today.
Time and time again women give away all their financial decisions to their boyfriends and husbands, and where does it land them? Broke. It drives me crazy. I had one friend who bought a business with her partner, worked her butt off and thought it was going swimmingly – until one day he turned around and said, ‘We’re liquidating the business… oh, and I have a massive gambling problem.’
That poor woman spent the next 10 years paying off a debt that wasn’t hers because she never looked at the finances. Don’t be that woman.
Trust your gut. If something feels off, it probably is. Even if he’s not funding a mistress or prepping for a stage-right exit, secrecy around finances is a big no-no.
You say you’ve always fought a lot – and sure, a little sparring can keep things spicy – but when it comes to money, transparency is non-negotiable. So, what’s your next move? Don’t go nuclear just yet. You don’t want to accuse him of something without evidence – that’s just ammo for his side if things go pear-shaped.
Get your receipts. Quietly pull up bank statements and track those transfers. Where’s the money going? If you can’t access the account yourself, it’s time to lawyer up or bring in a financial advisor who can help untangle the web.
Confront with calm. Say a few ‘namastes’ first and then when you’re ready to talk, approach him directly but without drama.
Something like, ‘I noticed some large transfers from our joint account. Can you explain what they’re for?’ If he squirms or throws out a half-baked excuse, you’ll know this rabbit hole goes deeper.
If he’s dodgy, it’s time to protect yourself. Lock down your finances, get legal advice, and start asking hard questions about what you want from this relationship.
In the fine words of Judge Judy, ‘Once a woman gives up financial independence to a mate, it’s over. You have to be prepared, because if you’re not prepared, then you’re stuck. and more women have to accept lifestyles that are unpleasant because they are financially stuck.’ And she would know. She sees plenty of it in her courtroom.
So, prepare Sue, PREPARE!
