Dear Jana,
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for several months, and things are going great. Recently, she asked me about my sexual history, specifically how many partners I’ve had.
I refused to answer because I’m worried about how she might react to the number, but now she keeps pestering me about it.
Is it important to disclose my ‘body count,’ and if so, how can I approach this conversation without causing tension or judgment?
I’m a reformed ‘Peter Pan’ (as you often refer to) so my number is a little higher than the average bloke.
Anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
This is spooky timing because I was just talking about this very topic with a friend the other day. We were having a chuckle whilst trying to list the guys we’d slept with.
This week Jana helps a reformed ‘Peter Pan’ whose girlfriend keeps asking about his body count, and a woman who feels like she’s being treated like sex doll
You see, I did the opposite to you – I spent most of my twenties in relationships. So, as you can imagine, my number was very low.
But when I got out of my last five-year relationship, well, let’s just say that sense of freedom led me into all sorts of naughtiness.
Oh, a time was had! I basically became the girl version of Peter Pan, and you know what? I have zero regrets!
I learned a lot, discovered what I was (and wasn’t) into, and, if I may toot my own horn, I’d say it made me the skilled lover I am today.
So, here’s the thing. I get how the term ‘body count’ can make you feel nervous and sweaty (it’s such a gross term, by the way) but it’s not something you should hide or feel ashamed of.
The simple answer you can give her is this: ‘Enough to know what I’m doing, not enough to regret it.’ No number required – short, sweet and confident.
If she presses you for a specific number, you can follow up with a cheeky, ‘A gentleman never tells,’ or, ‘I don’t keep score – this isn’t a cricket match’.
And if she still pushes you on it? Well, perhaps that’s her insecurity showing. In that case, do what a lot of new couples are doing these days: suggest you both get an STD test if your sexual history worries her so much.
Present the clean bill of health and tell her to calm the heck down. Because maybe that’s what’s really bothering her – and peace of mind never hurt anyone.
If all else fails, just do what 99.9 per cent of the population does – lie. Pick a tasteful number (eight sounds pretty non-threatening) and get on with things.
Jana lets loose after a question from a woman whose boyfriend who can’t stop ogling other women in front of her
Dear Jana,
I’m 58 and my long-term partner is in his early sixties. He wants sex all the time (at least daily, if not twice a day) and I dread it.
It’s totally not satisfying, it doesn’t last more than five minutes and I feel like he’s basically just using me to masturbate.
Should I be worried that my libido isn’t what it once was and give in and resent him (which is what I do now)?
Or broach the subject?
Dreading Sex – AITA?
Dear Dreading Sex – AITA?
(I had to Google it – turns out AITA stands for Am I the A**hole. Lol.)
Well, that’s an easy one – absolutely not! In fact, he is.
I’m not going to lie, I’m slightly infuriated on your behalf. Nobody – and I mean nobody – should be treated like a human sex toy.
From what you’ve described, not only is he treating you like a blow-up doll, but he’s not even putting in the effort to make it enjoyable for both of you. Five minutes? Come on, mate.
Now, my advice might feel a little daunting, but it’s time to put your big girl pants on (metaphorically and physically) and stand up for yourself.
Sit that man down and say: ‘Listen, I’m not enjoying the sex. I feel like I’m being treated as your personal sex slave, and a five-minute quickie just isn’t doing it for me.’
But (and I must stress this) don’t just hit him with criticism. Men are delicate creatures with very fragile egos, so throw him a few lifelines.
Offer solutions: suggest he brings foreplay back into the mix. I’m talking proper warm-up moves – romantic date nights, kind words, back rub, kissing, stroking… all that jazz.
Heck, if he gets it right, he might be thrilled at how long he lasts when things heat up. Make sure you call him a stud and stroke that ego.
Also, can we take a moment for this ‘twice a day, most days’ business. That’s excessive. Tell him to do what last week’s reader was shocked her husband did – go wank in the shower. There are other ways for him to release his sexual energy that don’t involve you.
I’m afraid you’re going to have to be firm with him, and if he can’t handle it, well then tell him to bugger off.
I repeat, YOU are not the a**hole. He is.
Dear Jana,
My boyfriend treats me like a queen, but lately, I’ve started noticing something that’s driving me mad.
Every time we’re out, like at dinner, or getting groceries, or basically anywhere in public, his eyes seem to wander. I’m not talking about a quick glance – I mean like kind of creepy, lingering looks that make me feel invisible.
Last weekend, I caught him staring at a woman in a tight dress for so long I nearly asked if he wanted to buy her a drink.
I know men are visual, and I’m trying not to overreact, but it’s starting to feel like I’m the third wheel in my own relationship.
Is this normal behaviour that I just need to get over? Or is there a way to talk to him about it without sounding insecure or like a jealous girlfriend?
Tish.
Oh, Tish.
I know exactly how infuriating this can be! To me, it’s the height of disrespect.
I remember once going on a date with a guy who was so taken aback by a hot woman who walked into the bar, he swivelled around in his seat so fast he nearly launched himself.
It gave me the biggest ick, and judging by the woman’s face, she wasn’t impressed either.
Here’s the thing: plenty of us enjoy a bit of eye candy – we’re human, after all – but do you know what we do? We keep our reactions locked inside our brains. No verbal or physical theatrics, because that would be far too thirsty. And disrespectful.
So, here’s where it gets tricky: how do you address this without sounding like the jealous girlfriend? Because (ugh) women are so often made to feel like nags for pointing out things that genuinely bother us.
In a classic case of ‘Jana’s therapist is everyone’s therapist,’ I asked my lovely French pocket rocket of a therapist what she would do.
Her advice? Say something like, ‘Hey, I’ve noticed your eyes tend to wander when we’re out, and honestly, it makes me feel invisible. I know you’d never mean to hurt me, but I’d love it if we could focus on each other more when we’re together.’
But let’s be honest – who actually talks to their partner like that? My approach would be a little more… direct. Wait until you catch him in the act, then hit him with: ‘Umm, you alright? You’re dribbling.’
Shame that man into some damn respect. Slightly toxic? Sure. Effective? Absolutely.
Because realistically, he’s going to deny, deny, deny – and that, my friend, is classic gaslighting. If he has the audacity to ogle other women right in front of you, he’s got enough disrespect in the tank to lie about it too.
If he brushes it off or accuses you of being ‘crazy’ or ‘jealous’ (classic deflection), that’s not on you – that’s a him problem. Respect is non-negotiable, Tish.
If you’re starting to feel like the third wheel in your own relationship, it might be time to take a good, hard look at whether he’s really still treating you like the queen you are.
Trust me, there are plenty of men out there who will look at you like you’re the only woman in the room – and keep their swivel seats firmly in place. (I still cringe thinking about it).
Stay strong, and keep your standards high.
