Over my 30-year career as a sex, love and relationship therapist, there is one question that male clients sheepishly (yet repeatedly) ask: How can I increase my pleasure in the bedroom?
Well, the answer doesn’t lie in some new fad, or kink. Instead, I encourage them to look to the past… the ancient past.
The real fix for sexual boredom is a practice that I call ‘sex magic.’ That’s S.E.X. – Sacred Energy Exchange – magic.
I’ve helped countless men achieve better, more sustained orgasms that have transformed their intimate relationships. And it’s all rooted in a practice first developed in India more than 5,000 years ago, a tradition known as Tantric sex.
Harness your chi
In the Tantric tradition, chi is one’s life force and there is a belief that the cultivation and retention of chi in the form of sexual energy can build spiritual vitality, deeper intimacy and even mystical states of bliss.
Musician and actor Sting and his wife Trudie Styler are outspoken devotees of the Tantric tradition, even though Sting has dismissed reports that he and Styler have seven-hour love making sessions.
‘Seven hours includes movie and dinner,’ Sting joked in 2014.
Dr Laura Berman has been a sex, love, and relationship therapist for over 30 years
Musician and actor Sting and his wife Trudie Styler are outspoken devotees of the Tantric tradition.
But still, the performer is a well-known Tantric practitioner, saying of the tradition: ‘I don’t know any purer and better way of expressing a love for another individual than sharing that wonderful, I call it, «sacrament».’
I don’t claim to know the exact details of Sting’s practice, but I advise my clients to explore a Tantric technique known as ‘retrograde ejaculation’.
While the average male orgasm lasts for about 30 seconds or less, this technique allows one to experience orgasm for much, much longer.
This isn’t delayed gratification, or ‘edging’, which is the sexual practice of stopping and restarting sexual stimulation before reaching orgasm.
During retrograde ejaculation, semen flows backward into the bladder instead of out of the urethra. It is then released from the body with the next urination. By itself, retrograde ejaculation is not harmful, though it can impact male fertility.
Through this method, chi does not leave the body but is circulated throughout it. However, retrograde ejaculation does require practice and a certain amount of stamina, which can be developed.
If you want to learn to strengthen the muscles and the mind-body connection needed to fully experience the benefits of this technique, you can start with testicular breathing.
Prepare the body
Here is a simple workout guide, though before starting any new exercise regime, you should first check with your physician.
1. Sit on a chair with your back straight but relaxed. Distribute your weight to your buttocks and feet. You do not want your genitals to be in contact with the chair itself.
2. Scan your entire body for any tension. If you feel tension, get up and move about until it is gone, then return to the exercise.
3. As you inhale, contract your pelvic muscles to draw your testicles in towards your body. Visualize your breath as energy. Hold your breath for as long as you feel comfortable, and then let it fall out of your body as you release the tension in your pelvic area.
4. Repeat this series for nine breaths. Take a break, then carry out three to six more sets.
Dr Laura Berman’s new book, Sex Magic, is out June 24
Testicular breathing is an exercise for men who want to extend their staying power and as a way to retain chi and build sexual energy.
5. Now, begin to pull the sexual energy along your spine, starting at the base and moving up to your lower back. Visualize it filling up with energy before continuing on up the spine.
6. Keep drawing your energy up through your body using a series of breaths, through the heart and the throat, until you reach the top of your head.
7. Finally, take one deep, powerful inhale and pull the sexual energy from the pelvic area to the head.
After three decades working to help people learn to love and to be loved better, I can promise you that the excitement, intimacy and change that you seek begins within.
If you are feeling disconnected from your partner or bored with sex, it is almost always because you have lost touch with yourself, and Tantric practices can restore that connection.
For more exercises and a detailed description of how to practice retrograde ejaculation, check out my soon-to-be-released book, Sex Magic: Take Your Body, Mind and Relationship to the Next Level with Spectacular Intimacy by Dr Laura Berman, published BenBella books, June 24
