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New Year’s resolutions tend to focus on individual goals, from achieving a gym-toned body to totting up the number of books you read per year. Our relationships, however, often end up being bottom of the priority list. Busy lifestyles and varying demands mean many people take their partner for granted – so perhaps this is the year to make your relationship the focus of your New Year’s resolutions.
But where to begin? Well, we spoke to relationship therapists for their top tips, from the habit that led one couple to have ‘the most sex ever’, to the simple mantra to live by for a good connection in 2025.
Andrew G Marshall
Andrew G Marshall is a marital therapist and author with over thirty-five years experience. He has a new on-line course called My Best Relationship Tools.
Take a weekly bath together
A sexual relationship is important to make you feel like lovers rather than just business partners, but in a long-term relationship, spontaneous sex tends to only happen about three times a year. A weekly bath means you have a sensual experience where you chat – perhaps about what you’ve been grateful for that week – and the intimate time together could lead to sex. I’ve been a therapist for 40 years, and the couple I met who had the most sex ever had a bath together every evening after putting the children to bed.
Always remember the three Hs
When your partner is offloading on you, remember to ask: ‘Do you want to be heard, helped or held?’, instead of immediately jumping to the conclusion that they want a solution. If they want to be heard, then it might be a good idea to summarise back to them what they said, rather than giving your opinion straight away. If they want help, ask ‘how could I help?’, rather than just diving in. A lot of the time, what we need more than anything else is to be held, because we are starved of touch these days, so a hug when your partner’s upset can be absolutely wonderful.
Repeat the mantra: it’s not all about me
When your partner starts to get upset, it’s natural to jump to the conclusion that it’s because of something you’ve done. However, an outsized reaction is often about more than that – you may be the trigger, but extreme upset could be the sign of an old wound being reactivated. Perhaps yourpartner doesn’t think you’re taking them seriously, and it reminds them of not being taken seriously by their parents when they were younger. Remember that it’s not all about you. Don’t tell your partner to calm down, because in the history of humanity, no one has ever calmed down because someone else told them to. Just listen to them.
Georgina Sturmer
Georgina Sturmer is a MBACP-registered psychotherapist. You can find out more about her work at georginasturmer.co.uk.
Commit to phone-free time together
Our devices are so useful. They keep us entertained, informed and in touch. But in many relationships they have the opposite effect. They act as a barrier, a third party in the room, leading to ‘digital detachment’. When we make a commitment to spending some device-free time together, we are sending a signal to each other that we are more important, more interesting, and more appealing than our digital distractions.
Spend time as a couple, with friends
This might sound like an odd suggestion, especially if we are struggling to carve out time together. But sometimes when it’s just the two of us, we get stuck in a rut of admin and chores. By contrast, when we socialise as a couple, we are more likely to bring our A-game, to get dressed up, to sparkle conversationally. This has a knock-on effect on how we see each other. It can also bolster a sense of unity and teamwork, and give us a shared experience to chat and gossip about.
Carve out some individual treat time
If we are frustrated or tired or stressed, then we are likely to displace this onto our partner. So as well as carving out time together, it’s important for both parties to have some ‘me-time’. This doesn’t necessarily have to be costly or elaborate. But it needs to be an opportunity for each person to switch off and enjoy themselves without feeling resented or judged. When we look after ourselves we are much more likely to feel content and grateful within our relationship.
Susan Quilliam
Susan Quilliam works as a coach to help individuals and couples resolve their core inner conflicts. Her latest project goes live in spring 2025.
Neutralise your niggles
All of us have tiny irritations around life with our partner. Does it annoy you when he squeezes the toothpaste at the middle of the tube? Or when she hangs on to the TV remote all evening? Nagging each other won’t help. Instead let your 2025 resolution be to focus on calming yourselves – so reducing the danger of an argument. Learn to relax by breathing in to a count of four, holding your breath for seven, then breathing out for a count of eight. Then let irritability go and carry on with your day.
Discover, then deliver on, your love needs
American relationship expert Dr Gary Chapman suggests that partners often differ about what they see as expressions of love. It’s crucial to deliver the expression your partner most wants – not the one you yourself prefer! So, talk through what you and your beloved most desire from each other. Gifts? Loving touch? Quality time together? Romantic words? Helpful actions? Then agree to actually deliver what each other needs at least once a week.
Don’t make a resolution – take a mutual direction
Specific New Year goals can do more harm than good if one or both of you lets your resolutions slip and that leads to resentment. Instead, agree a general ‘direction’ you can both take which will focus your minds on how you want your relationship to be in 2025. Summarise your goal in a word or two, perhaps ‘we’re affectionate’, ‘let’s be passionate’ or ‘always supportive’. Then together commit to putting that idea at the the centre of your relationship throughout the whole year.
