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As Philip Larkin so succinctly put it in his famous poem, parents can really mess you up. In the lottery of life, some of us are lucky to have only known loving, nurturing mothers and fathers, while others are coping with lifelong psychological consequences of extremely bad parenting. To this end, what if you believe your father is a narcissist? How do you spot the telltale signs and, crucially, adopt effective coping strategies when you have such a damaging parent in your life?
‘Their defining trait is a distinct lack of empathy and compassion,’ says Dr Sarah Davies, author of Raised By Narcissists. ‘They don’t consider other peoples’ wants and needs. They are very focused on themselves.’
As well as being self-seeking and emotionally manipulative, narcissists are arrogant and entitled, she adds. ‘They believe they’re special and should be treated accordingly.’ Because they’re convinced they’re superior, ‘narcissists also have a pathological need for attention and admiration’. Altogether, ‘they’re a nasty bunch,’ she says.
If your father possesses five of these characteristics used to make a clinical diagnosis, he’s likely to be a full-blown narcissist. But, says Dr Davies, a counselling psychologist and narcissism expert, Narcissistic Personality Disorder occurs on a sliding scale (at the lowest end, he might just be very selfish.) There are also two types of narcissist – overt or covert. The overt type is loud, confident, domineering. The covert type is quieter, more subtle in their manipulation. ‘I always find the covert ones more sinister,’ she warns.
Either way, as their child you’ll have been deeply affected in ways that often persist in adulthood. A narcissistic father’s regard is highly conditional. ‘Children of narcissistic parents learn how they need to behave in order to survive,’ says Dr Davies. Here, she explains the traits that suggest your father is a narcissist – and also, how best to manage him.
Dr Sarah Davies, author of Raised by Narcissists
He insists you are the best – then sabotages your success
Narcissists tend to be besotted with looks, status, power and wealth. He’ll criticise and judge your appearance if it isn’t to his liking. A narcissistic father would have demanded you got straight As when you were a student, and have been the best player on your sports team. He’ll have no respect for your choices or interests. Too bad if you long to be an artist but he wanted you to do law. And yet, narcissists can be very jealous. So rather than be happy for you, he may try to sabotage you, your relationship or career.
He has no paternal instinct
A narcissistic father doesn’t understand age-appropriate parenting. He views you as a mere extension of himself. So, if as a child you recall him offering you an alcoholic drink or a drag on his cigarette at a party, these were red flags. There are many forms of neglect, and this is one. He also doesn’t respect your feelings or boundaries. Some of my clients say their father would burst into their bedroom whenever he felt like it. I’ve even heard cases of fathers actually removing their child’s bedroom door.
He’s the king of emotional manipulation
Narcissists are highly manipulative and will exploit their own children. When you were younger, he would have played you off against your siblings or other parent. You’ll feel like a commodity, there purely to serve his needs. He can be charming. But if you don’t do or be what he wants, he’ll punish you – perhaps with the silent treatment. Or he’ll guilt trip you (so you do what he wants.) Or he may have been neglectful or distant as he’s too concerned with himself.
He’s controlling
One client was bored by football, but her father was obsessed with it – so she pretended to have an interest, cheering his team, watching every game. Children learn how to please and appease. She actually loved dancing, but that wasn’t allowed. It was all about him. So she learned to perform. If a child isn’t performing correctly, the narcissistic parent will punish them – whether by ignoring or raging at them. Often the children of narcissists become people pleasers or chameleons – excellent at changing who they are to pacify others.
He lacks empathy
Truly narcissistic people don’t experience empathy as we do. This requires imagining how another person feels. They can’t do that. A narcissistic father will be harsh and dismissive of your feelings. If you have a headache, he has a migraine. If you’re upset, you’re ‘emotional’ or ‘over-sensitive’. You would have grown up into adulthood never feeling understood. If your father is an extreme narcissist, he may even be sadistic, and enjoy seeing you in pain.
THREE WAYS TO MANAGE A NARCISSISTIC FATHER
Accept that he won’t change
Change requires self-awareness, and narcissists don’t have the capacity to self-reflect on their behaviour, or on how it impacts you. To reform, they need to feel bad about how they’ve acted. They don’t feel remorse or shame. It’s really important to stop holding on to the fantasy that he’s going to become the parent you wanted and needed him to be.
Recognise narcissistic traits
This can prompt a powerful shift. Whatever age you are, recognition of what your father does that is abusive or unhealthy enables you to gain psychological distance from it – and him. When he tries to guilt trip you, say to yourself, ‘oh, he’s doing that again’ – and refuse to be drawn in.
Use the ‘grey rock’ method
Don’t be goaded into reacting – that’s what the narcissist craves. The ‘grey rock’ method is simply to not react. Don’t show that you’re affected. If you confront him, he’ll either verbally attack you, or flat out deny the truth. He’ll have his own version of events, where he’s the victim. However, you might ask – not aggressively, but curiously – ‘why are you doing that? Are you okay?’
- Raised By Narcissists by Dr Sarah Davies is published on September 19, (Profile, £14.99).
