I am a connoisseur of American sitcoms. In this important role, I have become familiar with the trope that spouses often have very different feelings toward spending money.
Consider Lucy and Ricky Ricardo, for example. It’s safe to say that Lucy was a little looser with money than Ricky was comfortable with.
My favorite line was when an exasperated Ricky asked Lucy: ‘You only got one head, why do you buy so many hats?!’
Likewise, fans of Everybody Loves Raymond – the spiritual successor to I Love Lucy – might recall the tension that arose when Ray invested $1,000 in his friend’s go-cart business without talking with his wife, Debra, first.
The idea of the ‘spender and saver’ relationship has been a common trope in American sitcoms.
Fans of Everybody Loves Raymond – the spiritual successor to I Love Lucy – might recall the tension that arose when Ray invested $1,000 in his friend’s go-cart business without talking with his wife, Debra, first
One has to wonder whether these dynamics reflect anything about how real-life couples handle money. After all, in many ways, most spouses are pretty similar to each other. For instance, Republicans tend to marry Republicans, and Democrats tend to marry Democrats. As we say in the social sciences, ‘birds of a feather flock together.’
So we might expect spouses to have similar feelings toward spending money, right? Not so fast. I do research on money and relationships, and that research paints a picture reminiscent of my beloved sitcoms.
My work focuses on the psychology of ‘tightwads’ and ‘spendthrifts.’ Tightwads feel a lot of distress when considering spending money, and usually end up spending less than they think they should.
Spendthrifts do not experience enough distress when contemplating spending, and usually end up spending more than they think they should.
On ‘Ask Ronna,’ a popular advice podcast, Ronna Glickman (a character played by Jessica Chaffin) often offers an essential piece of spendthrift wisdom: ‘I’d rather be looking at it, than looking for it.’
Over the years, my research has documented that tightwads and spendthrifts are more likely to marry one another than they are to marry someone like themselves.
Why do opposites attract when it comes to spending money? Part of the issue is that tightwads and spendthrifts do not particularly enjoy being tightwads and spendthrifts. When we encounter someone who displays a characteristic that we don’t like about ourselves, that can shine an uncomfortable spotlight on the issue.
For example, imagine that you are a person who frequently bites their fingernails, and you are self-conscious about this. You encounter a potential mate who is desirable in many ways, but they are also a compulsive nail-biter. That might be a huge turn-off, causing you to think: ‘Ugh, is that what I look like when I do that?’
They are bringing one of your least desirable characteristics to the surface, when you would have been happy to put it out of your mind.
Dating someone who approaches money differently can be fascinating and fun at first. That’s particularly true for the tightwad who now has access to expensive indulgences they would never be able to force themselves to buy. But these differences can become less fun when couples get married and start to face higher-stakes decisions, like where to live, what kinds of jobs to pursue, how many kids to try for, and where to send those kids to school.
Indeed, in my research, I find that the more spouses differ in their tightwad-spendthrift tendencies, the more they argue over money, and the less satisfied they are with the marriage.
It’s an instance of what sociologists call ‘Fatal Attraction’ (this label was established shortly after the classic 1987 thriller of the same name). The very characteristic that attracts us to someone in the first place can be exactly what repels us later.
You might initially be attracted to someone because of their professional success. Over time, you might realize their success is only sustainable by working around the clock. They make time for you when first trying to establish the relationship, but once the relationship is seemingly secure, they might allow their workaholic tendencies to take over.
This all might sound pretty dire, but with a little bit of work, marriages between financial opposites can be totally happy and fulfilling. Let me offer a few pieces of advice for financially mismatched couples.
First, I recommend that each partner complete the tightwad-spendthrift scale for themselves and for the other person (guessing how the other person responded).
You’ll want to compare how your partner sees themselves to how you see your partner. Discrepancies can spark conversations that lead to greater mutual understanding.
Once partners understand how they differ on the tightwad-spendthrift dimension, they’ll be better positioned to make a variety of important decisions.
Behavioral psychologist says his years of research has found tightwads and spendthrifts are more likely to marry one another than they are to marry someone like themselves
His book Tightwads and Spendthrifts explains how couples can navigate conversations about their finances
For example, when partners disagree about how much to spend on a shared material good (like a new car), I generally recommend deferring to the partner who is more of a tightwad. However, when partners disagree about how much to spend on a shared experience (like a vacation), I generally recommend letting the partner who is more of a spendthrift win.
Shared positive experiences are generally better at generating lasting memories and happiness than comparably priced material goods, so this is why I suggest this approach toward resolving spending disagreements.
Second, I suggest that you take a fresh look at how money flows into and within your household. The structure of your bank account(s) can have a big effect on your relationship satisfaction. For all couples on reasonably solid ground, I recommend using a joint account to receive all incoming money. You want to turn ‘your money’ and ‘my money’ into ‘our money.’
It’s a process you might call ‘psychological money laundering.’ Joint accounts can reduce scorekeeping (keeping track of who’s contributing what) and take the spotlight off any income differences between partners.
However – and this is very important – you don’t want to only have a joint bank account. Each person should be able to spend some of ‘our money’ without being closely monitored by their partner. Complete financial transparency can lead to unnecessary arguments over inconsequential purchases.
One person might get irritated when they see how much their partner is spending on lattes. However, an afternoon latte might be essential for your partner to make it through their day, and saving that money is unlikely to make a meaningful change to your household finances.
Partners should have a general sense of how much everyone is spending – for example, we both know that we’ve each moved $1,000 from our joint account into our separate accounts. Getting more detailed than that can lead to more harm than good.
In other words, I favor ‘financial translucency’ over ‘financial transparency.’ Partners should certainly feel free to ask for a second opinion on their spending decisions as needed. But the default should not be complete transparency.
Finally, tightwad and spendthrift partners should learn how to give better gifts. Gift-giving occasions are crucial moments in relationships where partners reveal how they feel and what they know about each other. A good gift requires sacrifice – the recipient should get the impression that the gift was not easy for the giver to find or obtain.
Tightwads and spendthrifts should keep in mind that they need to demonstrate sacrifice in different ways. An expensive gift from a spendthrift might be nice, but it’s not a meaningful demonstration of sacrifice. If you’re married to a spendthrift, you see them buy expensive things all the time. You know it’s no big deal to them.
If a spendthrift gift-giver wants to demonstrate sacrifice, they’ve got to invest some real time and effort into their gift. They’ve got to plan something, make something, or track down something that’s hard-to-find and special to the recipient.
Tightwads also need to be thoughtful, of course, but spending lots of money on a gift might be seen as a meaningful sacrifice from a tightwad gift-giver. If I know my tightwad partner finds spending lots of money painful, an expensive gift from that tightwad means they’ve potentially endured some real distress to make me happy. That’s pretty flattering.
So, if you’re in a tightwad/spendthrift marriage, there’s no need to worry. With some effort, real happiness is possible. After all, look at Lucy and Ricky: despite their disagreements about money, and their disagreements about lots of other things, that was a deeply loving marriage. May we all find that kind of happiness.
Tightwads and Spendthrifts: Navigating the Money Minefield in Real Relationships by Scott Rick is published by St. Martin’s Press
