I was standing in a crammed beer hall at Oktoberfest in Munich when I saw him.
In a sea of foreigners, this 6’3 Aussie stood out from the crowd – and as he leaned over to speak to me, a smile playing across his lips, I already knew I was going home with him.
Or rather, back to his hostel.
By the time we made it out of the festival and to his accommodation, set in a field on the edge of town, the party had relocated to his eight-bedroom dorm.
Knowing what we both wanted, we snuck off to his bed and got under the covers.
He put his hands under my red and white dirndl dress and pushed my underwear aside, teasing me with his fingertips.
My excitement was growing… until I slipped my hand under his lederhosen and was rendered speechless.
Because despite his towering height and well-built physique, my Aussie man had the smallest penis I’d ever held.
My excitement was growing… until I slipped my hand under his lederhosen and was rendered speechless (stock image posed by models)
Stunned into silence, I felt my way around.
Was he fully erect? Was this the best it was going to get?
Sadly, the answer was yes.
I tried to swallow my disappointment. I didn’t want to be cruel, but how was this even going work?
It was the size of my thumb. A ‘micropenis’ is the medical term. (God, couldn’t they have thought up a kinder word than that?)
I just couldn’t do it. ‘It’s so late,’ I said, rearranging my underwear and pulling down my skirt.
‘I should get back to my hotel.’
I tried my hardest to ignore the despondent look on his face as I ordered my Uber.
My first instinct was to decline his dinner invite. But something made me reconsider. Maybe I was being shallow? Maybe it wasn’t quite as small as I first thought
And that could have been it.
Except a week later, when we were both back in London where I was living at the time, he reached out to me on social media and invited me to dinner.
My first instinct was to decline. Sure, he seemed like a nice guy and was definitely attractive. But if I couldn’t expect hot, deep penetrative sex (my favourite kind) then what was the point?
But something made me reconsider. Maybe I was being shallow? Maybe it wasn’t quite as small as I’d first thought?
(It definitely was – you don’t forget something like that in a hurry.)
Somehow I talked myself into it. A fancy dinner, a bit of flirting, maybe a pash. There were worse ways to spend a Saturday night.
And boy, was I glad I went. So many sparks were flying at dinner that, despite my hesitations, I went back to his place.
Mail+ sex columnist Ebony Leigh has some words of advice to women who are cruel about men with smaller penises
As he kissed me and slowly undressed me, I felt apprehensive. But instead of getting undressed himself, he started to use his hands and his tongue.
And let me tell you – this man knew his way around the female body better than any of my previous partners. I was writhing, moaning and shaking by the time he was done with me.
Only he wasn’t done. He wanted to have sex with me. And still vibrating with pleasure, I agreed.
To my complete surprise, his micropenis was barely an issue.
He understood exactly which positions worked for us, hoisting my legs over his shoulders then later, propping my hips up with a pillow while he drove himself inside.
Every movement felt magical and the pleasure was like nothing I’d ever felt.
His confidence made him even more attractive. Not once did he spin a cringey line about his member (‘I’m a grower not a shower’, ‘it’s the motion in the ocean, not the size of the boat’ – you know the ones.)
He just owned it. And it was f**king hot.
Men can sometimes feel inadequate about smaller penises. And they have good reason – women can be cruel. But I think we’ve all got it wrong.
Because sex really is about confidence, connection and playing to your strengths.
My date’s charisma, charm and skill made up for those missing inches – and then some.
