Grief is a hell of an emotion. It’s unpredictable and it’s volatile, and if you know someone who’s deep in the throes of loss, you probably want to help. But grief can be complicated, and while your intentions may be kind, it’s important to approach any kind of gifting with a hefty dose of reservation and respect.
In 2022, I lost my son, Arthur. He was 24 weeks along and it was a crushing blow to both me and my husband, one we still haven’t fully healed from. Two years later, my sister died of cancer at 35, just two months after her diagnosis.
Both losses were profound. I feel them in my bones, and while I’ve been surrounded by a significant amount of love and support, no number of flowers will ever dull the sharp grief that I feel on a daily basis.
All that to say, sending a sympathy gift to a loved one is a very kind idea, but I recommend you approach your shopping thoughtfully. Gifts are a lovely way to show you care, but for people navigating the darkest waters they’ve ever swam, they can feel overwhelming or—at times—unwanted.
From a seasoned sympathy gift receiver, here are some tips I have for you.
The top 5 best sympathy gifts to buy
Not sure what to get, but just know you want to get something to make your loved one feel a little bit better? Here’s what I recommend, based on my own experiences paired with opinions from my loved ones and friends who’ve suffered from an immeasurable loss.
1. Food
It’s extremely hard to think about cooking when you’re grieving. Cooking takes time, energy, and forethought—none of which are in great supply during the grieving process. Food is an easy and thoughtful gift for anyone who needs a little extra love. From what I’ve experienced: gift baskets are great, meals are better, gift cards are best.
DoorDash
When my sister passed, I ate McDonalds twice in one week. For someone who eats takeout once a week and insists on vegetable-heavy meals for her toddler, this was wildly out of character for me—but I was scrounging for comfort anywhere I could find it, and McDonalds was the only thing I wanted.
We had several people drop off DoorDash or UberEats gift cards, which made a world of difference for those early days when we didn’t start thinking about dinner until 7pm. These gift cards are game-changing for families as well—parents who are grieving still have to be full time caregivers. Not having to think about dinner for four people makes a big difference.
Spoonful of Comfort
Spoonful of Comfort has carried me through both of my major losses. The brand sells pre-made soups, rolls, pasta, and cookies that are extremely easy to prepare. You can choose from a variety of gift packages, but I recommend any that have soup, which is a deliciously comforting meal to have when you’re struggling.
Walmart Plus
One of my friends sent me a boatload of groceries from Trader Joe’s after my sister passed, including essentials—milk, bread, soda—and pre-made goodies, including soup and sandwiches. It was such a kind gesture, one you can replicate through Walmart Plus or Instacart.
Goldbelly
Sometimes the sweetest sympathy gifts are literally that—sweet, fattening, and guilt-free. Georgetown Cupcakes are available on Goldbelly and absolutely worth the splurge for someone going through a rough time. They arrive well-packaged and help your giftee pack on some well-needed calories if they’ve been struggling to eat. Baked by Melissa also sells pre-packaged mini cupcakes that are dangerously easy to gobble down in one sitting.
2. Company
When my son died, I told everyone they couldn’t speak to me for 48 hours. I couldn’t look at anyone or talk to anyone. After a while, I had a friend who told me they wanted to spend time with me, not to talk about Arthur or what I had been going through, but to simply sit in my grief with me so I wasn’t alone.
When my sister died, I was surrounded by people who had lived with her and shared memories with her. Hearing everyone talk about how she made a difference in their lives was healing for me, and in that moment, I relished the company.
If someone you love has lost someone very important to them, they may just need you. But follow their lead. Ask if you can show up and just sit with them. Offer to talk about the person or to avoid talking about the person. Take them on a walk, cook for them, turn on a TV show to watch together. Let them set the scene, but offer to be physically present, and if they tell you to leave, do so without taking offense.
3. A written note
Cards are a lot like flowers. They’re the first thing people think about sending once someone passes, and those who are mourning may be flooded with them. But there’s something comforting about receiving a note—however small—that someone out there is thinking about you and grieving with you.
Etsy / Redbird Studio
Physical cards are meaningful. They require effort and demonstrate that someone went out of their way to pick out a card, write you a note, then mail it.
4. Meaningful jewelry
The best sympathy gift I ever received was a necklace with an “A” on it. My mother’s best friend sent it to me when my son passed and I wear it often, especially on days when I need strength. When my sister passed, I bought necklaces for myself, my mother, her best friend, and our children, so that we’d all share her favorite symbol and have something to turn to in times we needed strength.
Kate Spade
This necklace helped me heal after my son passed. I still wear it as often as I can, holding it close to my heart (and sometimes in my hand when I need the extra strength). Having a small token that reminds me of my son gives me a great deal of comfort.
5. Not flowers
Though they’ve been symbolic sympathy gifts since the dawn of time, you won’t find me recommending flowers for those who are grieving. Flowers pile up, droop, and eventually wither away—not great imagery for someone whose already plagued by constant thoughts of loss. Flowers make great gifts if you know a funeral or memorial ceremony is taking place quickly, but if it’s not, skip the flowers and opt for a different gift.
Arbor Day Foundation
When my sister passed, one of my friends planted a memorial tree in her honor. I loved that. It was a way for her to live indefinitely and have an impact on a forest in need.
How to send a sympathy gift
Unless you’ve been invited over by the grieving party, I don’t recommend showing up in person with your gift. Grief isn’t pretty, emotionally or physically, and it’s exceptionally vulnerable, so your giftee likely won’t want to see anyone in person if the loss is particularly recent.
If you’re gifting someone who lives nearby, it’s perfectly reasonable to send them a text or give them a call saying, “I’ll be near your home and I have a gift to drop off—can I leave it on your porch?” If they want to see you face-to-face, they’ll tell you at that time. If they ask you to leave it on the porch, follow their lead and leave it.
Otherwise, mailing a sympathy gift is a great idea. This allows the receiver to open the gift on their own time and in their own space.
What’s a good sympathy gift?
A good sympathy gift will depend on the receiver. Overall, my top recommendation is gifting food, whether you’re delivering a homemade meal or sending a DoorDash gift card. Finding the time and energy to cook while you’re grieving and planning a memorial is nearly impossible.
Physical trinkets are a hit-or-miss, in my opinion. Among my small circle that has been heavily impacted by loss in the past few years, we’ve received wind chimes, window ornaments, Willow Tree figurines, and engraved tokens. Some have treasured spots on our bookshelves; others are in the trash. I’d recommend skipping a physical trinket unless you know the giftee well enough to know that they’d keep it—otherwise, it may cause more harm than good.
Flowers are the other big hit-or-miss gift you can buy. Flowers are gorgeous, and if you’re positive the recently departed will be having a physical memorial, they’re great for displaying at funerals. But flowers can be overwhelming. They require attention, nurturing, and sometimes arranging. Ultimately, after a few days, they die, leaving your giftee with a mess and, sometimes, an existential crisis about the fleeting nature of life.
Sound depressing? It is. Grief isn’t fun, and it can bring out some of our saddest thoughts. But there’s still value in sympathy gifts, even if it feels like a minefield. Every time I’ve opened one, I’ve felt loved and I’ve felt appreciative.
