US still Earth’s best country
So how did it all start.
“In the beginning,” like before Amazon — like even before Elon’s first child — there was a world. Something.
Think pre rivers and mountains — prior to Hegseth reading off a Fox TV prompter — a voice said, “Let there be light.” Came now the first con — Con Ed. Wampum? Please. Today it’s trillions. Henry Ford’s first rickety roadster? Nowadays we can’t even get crosstown.
Progress? We great or what? Shove Kitty Hawk, now Spirit Airlines is grounded. TomToms got traded for handheld cells. From wooden shoes to spike heels. Earrings for women now on men. Long pants for men now on women. Short pants today are not even on those women.
One for all and all for one? United States of America? Please. I don’t even know where Idaho is. I heard it’s outside Newark but only potatoes have seen Idaho — which is where?
How did we get to what we are now? With an AI machine talking for us. With schoolkids unable to handwrite or add. With a socialist closing off, not opening up, New York? With traffic, open manholes, people sleeping on streets, scaffolding permanently on every block, the elderly unable to pay for food, rents sky high, medical facilities closing, where Broadway’s becoming narrower and narrower, where Hunter is still hunting that computer he says wasn’t his, where Staten Island’s looking to secede?
OK, so we can’t claim Confucius but how about Pacino? We got culture.
As for the slight traffic problem, we can fix it. We reposition every street to go northeast. This way it’ll be Connecticut’s problem.
Pour over of hate
What’s with the weather? Cold?! A thief in my neighborhood even had his hands in his own pocket. The holiday’s over. So put away your damp blanket and sand-filled tuna and listen:
A NYC friend sent me the following in a longer version. No ID. He couldn’t confirm its author.
It was: A Brooklyn crowd — who’ll stand for hours just to hear why everything’s their mother’s fault — was shouting about the “intifada and decolonization.” A bearded Columbia University man explained: “We’re against Zionism.” A Columbia University student shouted: “Zionists are Nazis!
“Remember Kanye West. Black mask. Announcing he loves Hitler. Now some kid from a prestigious college — whose trauma is getting cold coffee at Starbucks — is also shouting fascism.” Normal people pretended nothing unusual is happening. Humans adapt to everything: war, hatred, even $9 coffee.
“Jews have hoped that this madness would disappear on its own. It never disappears on its own.”
That AIn’t right
Alert: We believe this screed was begun by AI. The NYC friend added, for some unknown reason, a celebrity’s name. He then added the name of this celebrity whom, for whatever reason, he believed might’ve sent it. Happens I knew that celebrity. I called the person. They were horrified. They said: “I never wrote anything ever about antisemitism. I’m no expert and have nothing to say that hasn’t been said better than I could say it. Someone is faking it for some reason.”
Two NYC doctors talking. One: “There’s rumors you’ve been romancing my wife.” Second one: “Not true, why ask me?” First doctor: “Listen, I just wanted a second opinion.”
Only in New York, kids, only in New York.
